Many Questions, My Only Answer
by CloudxKadajLover
Summary: To Cloud, it started with attraction; to Kadaj it started with curiosity, and so, he started with his questions. Through the many nights, he comes to realize his questions give him a lot more than just answers...they give him life. CloudxKadaj, Rated M
1. Chapter 1

I HAVE RISEN FROM THE DEAD!! How long has it been? Since April? More? I have no idea. Didja miss me? XD  
ANYWAAAY lol school and waaay too many outtings on weekends are the reasons I have neglected to type and post anything. However if you look on my profile page, you see I do have many ideas, including a multichapter CloudxKadaj story that I have to start, along with other stuff. But who cares, the main event is, I have a story up (which still has a chapter to go) ANNND it's CLOUDXKADAJ!! I haven't written them in AGES, I missed them, I had a random idea from this doujinshi I read awhile back and this random idea came into my head. It's going to be the last bit of CxK angst before I start my other story on them which is going to be happy and cute and all that good stuff.  
First off, this is the first time I tried 1st Person POV! : D It came out really well, so I'm happy with that. Advantage of 1st person POV is you have one less character to describe! Anyway, I want your thoughts too on how it is.  
Secondly, this chapter is from's Cloud's POV and the second chapter will be from Kadaj's. That chapter won't be done until after June 20th, because that's my last day of school!!  
Thirdly, before I disappear for a month of so typing up my stories, do enjoy this while you can! XD So do go and get READING!

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The sky is always black, always has the same stars. The moon was always in the same place, maybe tonight it was just fuller and brighter. But it never changed…never truly changed. It was the same tonight as it had been the previous night, and as it was nine years ago, seven years ago, five years ago…

And my life…was it so different from the dark, endless sky?

I always told myself that when I knew that cheerful SOLDIER, when he was my friend, my only friend…my best friend…life was different.

His name practically tattooed in my mind…Zack.

Life was different around him…how could it not be? I _felt_ different around him- I was happy, maybe the only time I could say I was ever truly happy. His smile, bright and so appealing made any surroundings feel like home. Home…did I even know what that was? Was there anywhere I ever thought was home? Nibelheim wasn't even close. Neither was Midgar…and where I am now…I wouldn't know. They say home is where the heart is…but where is my heart?

My hero took it when he died…I never cared for anyone, loved anyone more than him. I couldn't bring myself to love anyone else…I was afraid. Even though, she took my heart too…she was so much like him, so upbeat and willing. How could I ignore her being the sweet person she was? I didn't love her as much as the bright-eyed angel, but I loved her enough. Enough that her death, along with his, would haunt me for two years. Two long, endless years…of solitude, of regret…of wanting to see them again, to tell them I was sorry…sorry I couldn't live for him like I should, sorry that I couldn't stop her when I could.

I didn't want to love again, I didn't want to hurt anyone else, and I didn't want to hurt myself more than I already was. I thought I was immune to it by now, but every thought of his laugh and his touch, every thought of her smile and warmth still cut into my heart, a cut that would never heal, a scar that would never disappear.

That was…until you came along.

I didn't know what I thought of you when I first saw you…I was too confused. You called me brother, yet you threatened my life- you asked for your mother, who at the time I didn't even know, yet you thought I did. You called me a traitor, and yet you would smile at me. You looked at me with a type of curiosity, maybe even desire, as though you wanted to know more about me. I wouldn't deny I wanted to know more about you too- but how could I? We were on opposite sides, I couldn't trust you- you were so delicate. One moment you gazed at me as though you wanted me to come closer, and when I tried you pulled your sword to my throat. You made me angry…you _made_ me hate you, because I couldn't understand you.

But no…I didn't hate you. I _couldn't _hate you, because I didn't understand you…it was all so infuriating. I wanted to forget you, but you were all I could think of at night. You contradicted yourself…you were cruel, dominating, even twisted…and yet you looked like an angel fallen right out of heaven. Your skin porcelain, yet it had the appearance of being so smooth, so creamy…my heart sped up at the thought of touching you, wondering if you felt as good as you looked. Platinum, delicate silky strands was your hair, and although it was messy it was neat at the same time…odd, yet unique. It covered most of your beautiful face, and sometimes I wished I could brush the hair out of your animalistic eyes, to see what you were thinking, what many emotions were present in those ever-changing jewels of yours. During the day, they shone a poisonous green, yet at night, a glowing turquoise. They were almost enchanting, although sometimes they were terrifying. I guess it depended in what mood you were in.

I liked it when you talked, but not because of what you were saying, goodness knows I never understood a word of it. It was entertaining watching your lips move, with the perfect fullness and a gentle peach color. Your voice too depended on how you felt- sometimes it was soft, almost sensual…other times it was cold, laced with the loathing that you felt for me. Or at least you thought.

Your body was covered in form-fitting black leather, and it irritated me sometimes, because whether I wanted to admit it or not, I wanted to see more of your skin besides your face. I wanted to _feel_ every curve your attire hugged gracefully, I wanted you so bad sometimes it almost hurt.

My sense of self would return to me though, and I would tell myself that you were too young for me to fool around with. You were too clueless, too native to understand what I wanted from you. You were my enemy…or at least you were supposed to be. I couldn't have you…I _shouldn't_ have you…I didn't want to put myself through anymore heartaches, anymore confusion, my heart barely existed as it was. How much more could I possibly put it through?

But you changed all of that. I came back into the church nonchalantly, my mind reeling- and then I stopped dead as I looked up.

There you were, sitting amongst her flowers, weaponless, your legs crossed, your hair glittering under the beam of moonlight present above you. White skin glowed under your dark clothing, your eyes that enchanting turquoise, filled with amusement at my reaction, a gentle smirk across your lovely lips. I could only stare at you in surprise, although my head was now filled with even more questions. However, before I could ask anything, you spoke.

_"Are you really surprised to see me here Niisan? I'd thought you'd be happy…"_

I blinked, shocked. How could you know…? Was I really such an open book?

You found this amusing, as you chuckled to yourself, patting the space next to you.

"_Come here, Niisan…I want to talk to you."_

_"About what?"_

_"Anything. Tell me anything. You don't talk much…I want to hear you. I want to _know_ you." _

For the first time that I noticed, your eyes didn't hold any humor, any teasing. They were honest, curious…I ached to know why. This wasn't like I had grown to know you…then again…out there, holding your Souba expertly in your left hand, your mouth in a teasing smile, your eyes burning with hidden fury…was that _you_? Or what they had made you to be? You were just a puppet…an avatar…_his_ avatar. He could make you anything he wanted to…and how would you even know if that was what you wanted? Could you tell apart your desires from his? Did you even know yourself? It seemed you had some control over your own will, as I'm sure you meeting me here wasn't part of anything he planned. But who was I to think you didn't know what you wanted, or you didn't know who you were? Was I so different?

You broke my thoughts, your voice soft, intrigued.

"_What are you thinking Niisan? You think so much, but you never say anything. What are you trying to hide?"_

My gaze met yours, and your eyes still held a bit of amusement, yet I knew you were sincere. I was still surprised and intrigued by you, but I tried to hide it. But if you wanted to talk…so be it.

"_Why does it matter you to what my thoughts are?"_

_"Didn't you here me before? I want to know who are you Niisan."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because I don't think…you're what Mother says you are. It doesn't make sense to me…so…I'd figured maybe talking to you would help sort things out. Is that so much to ask?"_

At your words, so earnest, innocent even, my heart went out to you. The lies they filled in your head, she herself was a lie…she was not your Mother, she never was…I wished I could tell you, but I didn't want to confuse you more than you probably already were. I didn't want to complicate things. What you were asking was simple enough. I wanted to keep things that way…although it wouldn't be that way for long.

So, I sat next to you, and you smiled at me, a simple, pleased smile that lifted your face more than I could explain. Then you started with your questions…why was I quiet. Why did I live here. Why didn't I ever really talk to you. Why I seemed reluctant sometimes to fight you. Why didn't I ever come after you. Why hadn't I killed you yet. Why did I ignore you besides when I saw you. What was I hiding from you, that I wouldn't tell you. Your questions baffled me, yet I couldn't blame you for asking them. I knew I was not acting like a typical enemy. But the answers were not solid in my head yet…so I came up with an idea.

"_You ask a lot of questions…I don't think I can answer them all tonight."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because…some I don't even know the answer to. Tell you what…I'll answer one of your questions a night."_

_"Only one?"_

Your face fell into an irresistible pout, and I couldn't help but smile a bit.

_"You'll be surprised how long it might take to explain my answer to you. You don't ask simple questions."_

Thoughtful was your face for a moment before you nodded.

"_Okay, Niisan. So you promise to answer all of them?"_

_"Yes."_

A small smile made it's way on your delicate face at my promise. So then you went back to your first question: why was I mostly silent. As I predicted, it took awhile for me to answer, but you clung on to every word. By the time I was finished explaining, it was much later into the night. I realized you weren't the only one figuring out about me- I seemed to finding out about myself as well.

"_You're a lot like Yazoo. You like to keep things to yourself…it's so hard to read you sometimes…and then sometimes it's so obvious. You're really weird, Niisan."_

I smiled, and met your enchanting gaze, which still held that warm humor.

_"You're one to talk."_

At my teasing words, your expression brightened in a way I had never seen before. But almost as soon as it appeared, it left as you looked thoughtful again. Were you thinking about your own differences? Why your emotions could change so easily? I waited for you to speak, but you said nothing.

You got on your feet, still looking at me, and I wasn't sure what was held in your gaze. You thanked me, said good night, and then left. I watched you, your hips swaying in a nearly feminine way as you walked, and a form of disappointment filled my heart as I knew I wouldn't see you again until tomorrow night.

Our sessions continued for quite some time. You'd either already be waiting for me when I entered the church, or you come in after me. You asked your question and I'd spend most of the night answering it. Our conversations got pretty deep sometimes- you ask more questions about what I was telling you, then in the middle of explaining I'd ask you a question. Sometimes our meetings lasted only two hours- others nearly the whole night. As we talked and learned more about each other, understood each other, I realized it was easier to talk to you…I learned to trust you. I felt comfortable around you and my attraction to you grew stronger as I was nearly eager everyday awaiting your arrival.

You seem to enjoy our sessions as well, as you appeared with a smile, with a lightness in your behavior you didn't have before. You became relaxed around me…perhaps you trusted me too? One night, one where my answer to your question was quite a long one, you moved closer to me and laid your head on my lap, smiling innocently up at me. I paused my words as I looked down at you- your hair fell back over my knee, and I could finally fully see your pretty face. I could only wonder why you would want to hide something so beautiful.

Lost, I reached down to touch your cheek, pleased to find it was as soft as it looked. Your eyes watched with curiosity as I started to stroke your cheek with my thumb, reveling in it's perfect tenderness. You sighed softly at my touch and I smiled…I wanted you to enjoy this. I slipped my hand up the side of your face to entangle my fingers in silky silver strands. The smoothness of your hair against my fingers was almost addicting; I ran my fingers through the platinum locks repeatedly. You seemed to like this sensation as well, as your mako-infused eyes were closed and there was a peaceful smile on your face. As I let my eyes wander over your resting angelic face, I noticed there was a childish roundness to it that truly showed your youth. It made you even more attractive, but I realized what you really just were, what you always had been.

A child. A lone, innocent child, forced to live a life of an adult, a life of control, demands, punishment, confusion. And your problem was that you didn't want to grow up. You wanted to be treated, taken care of, you wanted someone to hold you, someone to guide you, you hated the thought of being alone. Was this why you came to me each night? You didn't want to have to face your inner demons, hear her voice in your head, try to sort out the confusion in your mind. You just wanted to be you, to be normal…perhaps you saw talking to me as an escape from your own misery. That would explain why you were always pleased to see me, why you were so calm. Looking down at your serene form, your gentle smile, I knew my thoughts were true. A smile formed on my lips looking at you this way…you wouldn't know, but you were my escape too.

Your eyes opened suddenly, glowing with something akin to happiness.

_"You can continue with your story, Niisan."_

_"Oh…right."_

Peach lips pulled up in a smile and it was then, as you looked at me, cheerful, peaceful, trusting…liking…that I realized I had done something I had sworn never to do.

I had fallen in love with you.

Maybe it wasn't true love just yet, maybe it was just a crush, maybe it was silly, and unthinkable, unheard of between types like us, astounding even. Shocking. I would admit I was surprised at myself for falling for an insane, yet lovable teenager who just a couple months ago wanted to take my life.

It was crazy. Dumbfounding. Despicable, if you will. Unbelievable.

But it was true. I don't know if you felt the same way…did you know what love was? You did crave it after all, so you must have felt some inkling of it. Nonetheless, having my thoughts sorted out, I continued with my story, and you listened intently to every word as I continued stroking your hair.

It was that night when you left that I felt I didn't want you to leave. I _never_ wanted you to leave, for fear that you wouldn't come back. But it was only now that I knew I longed for you that it hurt to see you walk away. You would never know the ache you left behind.

It had to be the fourth month into our sessions, on a Sunday night if I remembered well. It was late and you hadn't come yet…I felt hurt, but I also felt worried. Nothing had ever stopped you from coming before…why weren't you here? Had something happened to you? This thought petrified me- if anything wrong happened to you, it would be my fault, all my fault and I wouldn't forgive myself.

My worry nearly became fear after another long hour and I was considering going to find you, until suddenly you burst through the door, disrupting the scared silence. You ran straight toward me and once you stepped into the moonlight, tears shone off your white skin, your eyes threatening to release more. Surprise and sympathy replaced my anxiety as you threw yourself on me, burying your head in my chest, your arms encircling my waist and holding me in a tight grip as though afraid I would disappear. I pulled you into my lap and held you close to me as you cried into the blue of my sweater. I didn't know why you were crying, and it hurt me to see you so broken like this…I was reminded that our relationship was never to be in the first place, no matter how much it seemed to work. Was your love for me helping you or hurting you? Maybe both?

After some minutes you halted your tears, and lay your head on my shoulder, saying nothing, your grip not relenting. I kept silent as well- you could tell me what was bothering you when you felt ready. I wasn't going to bother you about it…I didn't need to make you more distressed than you already probably were.

Finally, you spoke after what felt like never ending silence.

_"Nii-san…I can't…I want to but…she knows…she's angry with me…she screamed at me…I can't do this anymore, I don't want to hurt you but…"_

You broke again into sobs and my fear of what would eventually happen had come true. She had come between us, and now you had to choose. Obviously, you didn't know what to do, and I blamed myself, but yet…you were the one that came to me. But what would you have known? All you wanted was to find a sanctuary…but life could never be so simple, especially not for you. Even so, I would not let her take you- never.

"_Kadaj…" _

_"I'm so stupid…I thought coming to you would keep me away from her…well it does, but only when I'm with you…but I wasn't supposed to be with you in the first place…that's what she says…"_

Your eyes were pink and swollen from crying, as you pulled away some to look at me. Your expression was one of hopelessness and just the sight of it broke my heart. It was now I realized I needed to tell you the truth. You needed to know…or else I would lose you…but I would lose you anyway? I didn't imagine you'd take it well…but even at such a risk, I needed to do it anyway…for your sake.

_"Kadaj, you don't have to listen to her-"_

"_I know, but I can't help it-"_

"_Yes you can."_

"_No, Niisan…look at me!"_

Annoyance was in your voice and you got up, looking straight at me with your shiny, uncertain eyes.

"_I'm a puppet! That's all I am, that's all I was ever meant to be! And I was stupid to think that I could change that…no matter how many times I see you, no matter how many times I ignore her, it isn't going to change anything! And you can't change that either Niisan, although I know you want to, but there's no point in it! All of this…it's almost pointless…it doesn't feel that way to me, but that doesn't matter either because they can do with me whatever they like! Don't you see that Niisan? If fighting her off was so easy, do you think I would even bother going back every night when I can stay with you? It's not easy, it's…really hard…"_

The anger in your voice suddenly broke, as though the tears behind your eyes were fighting to break through.

"_And it's even harder…to…to love you…at least that's what I think it is, I don't even know…all I know is that I'm impatient all day waiting to see you, I think about you all the time, and I get this warm…weird feeling that makes me happy, I like it when you talk to me, because no one else really does, and that you wonder about me, I like it when you touch me because that warm feeling always comes back and…if that isn't love then I don't know what is. I wouldn't let anyone else do to me what you do. And then again, I'm not even sure that's true, because that's what I've wanted from Mother and I…I still do…but I don't want to, because I just want to stay with you, because when I am, it's like everything is going to be okay…" _

I felt rigid, my heart seemed to have stopped the second you said you loved me, and your words seemed to warm me yet freeze me at the same time; you looked so confused, yet you meant what you said, and this realization troubled you even more. Watching you fall back onto the ground in silent tears was torture, and yet, as I took you into my arms, I felt such hatred in my sympathy for you, hatred for her, hatred for _him_, and most of all hatred for the world, for making you like this.

You clung to me immediately, and I couldn't take your sobs anymore. My hatred melted into affection, as I knew what to do to quiet you.

My fingers found their way around your chin, gently lifting your tear stained face. Once again, they met themselves with the wet skin of your cheeks, removing the salty tears from the smooth porcelain. Your swollen eyes shone with curiosity, yet relief at my actions. Most of the dreaded tears gone from your precious face, my arm wound around your slim waist to pull you closer, close enough so your lips were only an inch from mine, and a startled, quiet gasp was the only sound out of your mouth before I claimed it. You froze under my lips for a moment, surprised, unsure, puzzled. I controlled myself, moving slowly along your succulent lips, the warmth of it nearly consuming me. You must have felt it too, as your tense body slowly relaxed, and your opposing lips tentatively pushed against mine. I let you get a feel of what we were doing for a few minutes, giving you gentle, chaste kisses that you could keep up with. It was almost fun; it was like I was teaching you.

Nonetheless, your sweet lips were tempting me so and I was eager to taste more of you. My tongue ran slowly over your bottom lip, and you gasped softly at this, as expected. Taking the chance, I slipped the slick muscle into your awaiting mouth, exploring every bit of it that I could; along your tongue, around your teeth, against the roof of your mouth. A muffled, pleasurable sound came from your throat when I did this, and I smiled against your mouth. If it was wrong to kiss you, if your lips were meant to be poison to me, then it had to be the sweetest poison I've ever tasted. It intoxicated me, my mind was gone, I was only aware of you, your arms tight around my neck, your timid tongue moving slowly against my own.

I was so lost in fact, that I forgot my physical need to breathe, and broke away from your luscious mouth to do so. You gasped again, this time for air, and we sat there, panting softly, your head leaning on my shoulder. My heart was pounding in my chest, a desirable warmth had spread throughout my body, but I fought to calm myself- not tonight. It wasn't the opportune moment. I looked down at you, your full lips slightly parted, your cheeks pink, although I wasn't sure if it was from lack of oxygen or embarrassment. Your eyes had returned to their glittering beauty and a dazed haze was over them, as though you were trying to figure out what just happened.

"_Kadaj…she isn't going to hurt you…she will never hurt you. She is not your Mother, and never was. Anything she's ever told you was a lie."_

Thoughtful eyes blinked and you sat up, staring at me, baffled.

"_I know it'll be hard to you to accept…but a mother doesn't use her children as puppets, and make them work for her love. A mother gives her love freely, and is always helpful, always there to help you. Jenova is nothing of what a mother should be…she only pretends."_

Turquoise eyes widened at my use of her true name, and saying you looked shocked would be an understatement. You slowly started to shake your head, in disbelief, yet moisture returned to your eyes, as though you knew I was telling the truth- I prayed you would believe me.

"_But…she…no…Niisan, don't-"_

"_Please Kadaj…listen to me…I don't want to hurt you…and I don't want to lose you. She can't bother you if you shut her out…and you can only do that when you realize she isn't your mother. You can be yourself again." _

I pleaded with you and, yet you looked at me as though I had gone mad. But in the tense silence your face dropped as you pondered over my words, and I was at least grateful you were taking them in. I waited silently for your reply, and for quite awhile you didn't say anything, as though your brain was still trying to register the new information. You bit your lip suddenly and, looking at your shiny orbs, I figured you had done it to keep your tears at bay. Your eyes shut tight for a moment, a heavy sigh released itself from your lungs and you opened your cat like orbs that looked straight into mine.

"_But if…if she isn't my mother then…_"

You bit your lip again, and my emotions fell once again as I noticed you had realized the truth. Your small body started to shake with sobs, but before another tear could fall from your eyes, I took your hands into mine and kissed your forehead, making you look up at me.

_"You don't need a mother to give you love, to care for you, to hold you…I didn't get that much even from my own mother. Love can show up in the oddest places, it doesn't matter where you get it- it doesn't need to come from only one source. Regardless of where it comes from it's the same, and if you want love and happiness and someone who will always be there when you need them to be…just look at what's in front of you." _

I had no idea when I had planned to say this, or even if it was planned, but it was only after saying it that I realized I really did want you, care about you, and maybe not love you as much as a cheerful SOLDIER or a beautiful flower girl, but enough that if you left me, it would cut the everlasting scar on my heart even deeper.

Your eyes grew bigger again, full with surprise and amorosity, and despite the many heartbreaking events of the night, you smiled, a tearful, thankful, cheerful smile and threw yourself into me, holding me in a loving embrace. I returned the gesture, relieved myself that you hadn't thrown away my truth and stomped out the door like I was afraid you would do. No, you had decided to stay in my arms, right where I wanted you to be, and where I hoped you would never leave. As I held you, I realized the ache in my heart had subsided…it seemed it had healed over some. Maybe it would heal more as I spent time with you.

"Niisan-"

I suppressed a twitch from the nickname that I did not want to be called, but wasn't in the mood to reprimand.

"Yes?"

"I only have one question for you tonight…"

Your knees at my waist, arms wrung around my neck, you pulled away only slightly, the same distance you were a matter of minutes ago.

"Do you love me?"

Being my normal self, I would have blinked or be puzzled with the question- but seeing as I was never quite normal around you, I only smiled.

"Yes…I love you. More than anything."

For the first time, I saw your perfect, pearly teeth in a soft grin that made you look more beautiful than I could ever explain. So beautiful that my earlier desire returned and I leaned forward, placing my lips over yours, and you responded eagerly, holding me close and kissing me back softly, yet not as clumsy as before. I reveled in the taste of you once again, and had become so unaware of the seemingly nonexistent surroundings, that when I parted from your lips I was surprised to see I was on top of you- you had fallen onto the flowers, the heated feeling consuming you as well. You only smiled sheepishly at me, and suddenly rose your gloved hand to touch my face. Wanting to feel your skin and not leather, I removed one of my arms from beneath you and quickly pulled off the black barrier. You looked at me curiously for a moment, before you realized the point of my action, and then simply went to touch my cheek. Your smooth fingertips on my warm skin seemed to send an electric shock through me, but you didn't seem to notice as you nonchalantly stroked my cheek, nearly the same way I had stroked yours. There was a playful smile on your face as you did so, until you decided to feel my lips. You started out slowly, as though curious to how I would react. You had no idea the gentle torture you were putting me through, moving the tips of your fingers so delicately against my lips. You doing this suddenly reminded me of a distant memory, and as a reaction, I kissed your fingertips. You smiled at this, and to my surprise, placed your bare hand behind my neck, pulling my head down so our mouths would meet once again. Did it feel as good to you as did to me? It awfully seemed like it.

After some time, I noticed it had to be very late and although I didn't feel tired, sleepiness was present in your eyes. Gently moving off of you, I waited for you to get up- but you didn't. You noticed my curious look, and smiled that teasing smile.

_"What? You think I'm leaving?" _

A sense of relief and contentment came over me as I knew you wanted to stay- I wouldn't have to miss you tonight. You sat up and your expression dropped suddenly.

_"Did you want me to-"_

_"No. I want you to stay with me." _

Relief came over your frame as well, and, seeing as both of us wouldn't fit on my makeshift bed, I simply removed my armor and my boots before laying back down onto the flowers. Taking the queue, you placed your head onto my chest, placing your left hand at my waist, cuddling against me before you lay still. I simply slipped an arm around your small waist, holding you. Your soft breathing and steady heartbeat eventually coaxed me to sleep as well, and it was the most peaceful sleep I had ever had in years.

Somehow, things got a bit better after that night. Realizing your attachment to me, you wanted to stay with me but wasn't sure how. We talked about it for awhile, amongst other things, as you still had questions for me. But answering your questions now wasn't just something I promised or to learn more about each other…it became a basis for our relationship. The more I learned about you, the more I grew to love you, and our supposed sessions had the same effect on you. I started to feel happier, more complete again- it was beyond my understanding.

But what I did understand was that when you smiled, I smiled back. When you laughed, I did too. And when you kissed me, or when I kissed you- I was lost in a temporary bliss, a wonderful warmth that was slowly melting the ice encased around my heart. I could only dream about how it would feel when I was doing other things with you.

But I wouldn't have to dream for long. I suddenly had an idea, and so did you, and regardless whether or not it would work, we did it anyway. All I knew was that hopefully I would never have to say good bye to you, or worry about you because you would always be right next to me.

Perhaps that was I all I ever needed.

I didn't need to be hugged, kissed, taken out on dates, or given gifts too.

I just needed someone _there_.

And you, with your brilliant silver hair nearly white in the sunlight, your tender, white skin forever glowing, your aquamarine jewels shining with bliss and the strong sprit held behind them, your lovely lips in a simple smile, was all I needed.

But then again, I didn't even need it anymore…because I already had it.

Maybe you wouldn't really understand it, as you probably saw it the other way around, but I was so happy, truly grateful, to have you.

You didn't only save your own life by coming to see me.

You saved mine too.

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Isn't it cute? You know it is. XD Anyway PLEASE REVIEW!! I LOVE YOUR LOVELY REVIEWS!!


	2. Chapter 2

**PLEASE READ!! This chapter isn't the continuation of the previous chapter. **It's what I'd like to call a Kadaj-analysis. XDD  
Okay, so you know in the last chapter I started off with mentioning Cloud's past. Since like everybody knows about that already, it was brief. But Kadaj's supposed past is totally open as there isn't any solid information on it. Sooo this ENTIRE chapter is my interpretation of how he came into exisitance, how Jenova and Sephiroth affect him, and how he and brothers led up to where they are in the beginning of AC. I refuse to believe right after coming into existance there happened to be motorcycles there and they were like "LOL LET'S GO GET MOTHER AND FIGHT NIISAN!!" XD Okay? I ALWAYS wanted to do something like this with a CxK fic but I never got the chance till now!! I got carried away, but I enjoyed it, and I just want to make sure it makes sense to you and that it's believable. I'm not in an angsty mood lol so the next, FINAL chapter to this won't be for awhile okay? It'll still be from Kadaj's POV because I need to practice it more, I've used Cloud too much because he's easier to write about. So please read this with care!! I worked pretty hard on it and I'm pleased with it. So I hope you enjoy!! GO ANGST! XD

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There was nothing but the breeze that I felt against me, and it was light, gentle, mostly because my mind was sinking away into sleep and I didn't really notice.

Such an odd sleep it was. At least to me. It was quiet, soothing, even peaceful. Warm it was too, but I figured that was because I was leaning against you.

My previous sleep was usually filled with nightmares or memories I could never recall having. I now knew they weren't mine- they were _his_.

But that didn't matter right now. Nothing mattered- not my past, nor yours. We were trying to leave that behind- but yet, it refused to be ignored. It could never be ignored. No matter how many times I told myself it didn't matter, it wasn't important- I couldn't bring myself _not_ to care about it. Worry about it. Be _fearful_ of it. What if it happened again? What if she came back? What if everything we tried to build shattered to the ground? I would not be able to live with myself.

Then again…when was I _ever_ able to live with myself? Accept myself? Understand myself?

It seemed so far away, yet it seemed very close when I remembered it. My first few minutes coming into existence were probably the most confusing ones. I knew, somehow, that I was alive. For the first few moments, there was nothing solid to prove this- I felt like a floating mind. How odd.

Then, I became aware I had a body…limbs, a chest and a heart. As I felt it pump blood through me for the first time, it was a bit painful- but it soothed quickly, and I felt solid. To test my body, I went to move a finger- and it moved. I also realized my fingers, as well as the rest of me was covered in sticky, tight material.

'_Wake up.'_

A voice, soft, seemingly far away.

'_Wake up, Kadaj.' _

A bit louder and clearer this time, and with my name. It was also feminine.

_'Who's this?'_

_'I'm your mother, Kadaj.'_

_'M...Mother?'_

_'Yes. I have made you…and your brothers.'_

_'I have brothers?'_

_'Yes, and you will be their leader. Consider yourself lucky- not everyone is made to be a leader. However, I find you the most capable. But there is no point in it if you don't wake up first.' _

That made sense, probably one of the few things that ever would. So, I went and opened my eyes, blinking a few times to clear my vision. With a frown of question, I realized I was looking up at the dark ceiling of what appeared to be- I sat up- a cave. My unusual silky hair fell in my face as I did so, leaving only my left eye visible. I looked down at myself, my eyes scanning over my leather, black attire, until I realized something beside me. Picking it up, I saw it was a sheath, the exact color of my clothing. At the end was a sword handle, blue with an odd pattern. There also were two ribbons tied at the base of it- one white, one black. I looked questionably at it for a moment. For what would I need this?

'_Take it out. Get a feel for it. You already know how to use it.'_

_'I do?'_

There was a chuckle, seemingly normal and warm.

'_Of course! What leader does not know how to use a weapon? You have been granted with Souba. I figured a sword would suit you, like your older brother. Excellent with a sword he was. You both have the same pattern on your handles as well- a bit of a reminder of him. '_

_'I have an older brother?'_

_'Well, you are the youngest of your family, Kadaj. But your eldest brother is whom I am speaking of. Sephiroth.' _

At that moment, an odd shock ran through me and in my head, for the first time I saw Sephiroth- a bright flicker of him anyway, before my normal vision returned. I shook slightly, a bit startled. What just happened?

'_Do not worry, my son. That was just me infiltrating your mind for a moment.'_

"How can you do that?" I asked out loud, surprised by my own voice as I hadn't intended to speak.

'_I have some control over you. You see, Kadaj, you and your brothers are all remnants of Sephiroth. You are the result of his broken sprit, and as I was able to influence him, I can influence you. My influence is not as strong on your other brothers- this is why I have chosen you as leader, this way you can keep them in check. You understand?'_

_'Yes…but if we are his remnants, doesn't that mean-'_

_'Yes. He is…gone, temporarily. He will return. But you hadn't worry about that now. You need to find me first.'_

_'Oh…well, where are you, Mother? I'll go see you!'_

There was that chuckle again, and I almost cringed at this memory of how horribly naïve I was at the time. I was like a child that had just been born, except I was fully grown into a teenager's body. I had the same train of thought as a child however- I was susceptible to anything.

'_It is not that simple, Kadaj. I have been sealed away- and I am no longer in a state where I can tell you where I am. You're mission is to locate me, so we can finally be reunited as a family. You'd want that wouldn't you?' _

_'Of course! More than anything.'_

_'Good. It won't be very easy, but we'll just have to see how sharp you are. Test out your Souba. You will need her to fight off anything in your way. The wretched beings who walk this Planet will not approve of your mission- they will fight against you. You must be able to get through them.' _

I nodded, and stood up, steadying myself on my two boot-clad feet. Gripping the handle with my left hand, I pulled out the Souba, gasping lightly as I witnessed it's elegant blades. I studied it for a moment, and I noticed one blade was a shade darker than the other. I was intrigued by this, until 'Mother' interrupted again.

'_You notice the blade that is darker? That is a shadow blade, which inflicts poison on the enemy. The other blade is a regular katana. The ribbons at the base indicate which one is which- the white ribbon identifies the shadow blade, the black identifies the regular blade. This is meant to confuse the enemy, as they would probably believe the opposite of that.'_

"Oh…" I wondered out loud again, satisfied with this information. I gave my sword a few test swings, noticing I did have the ability to use it. Feeling some type of excitement, I went and pulled off a stunt with complete accuracy, and felt some confidence rise with me.

'_Very good. Not very comparable to Sephiroth, but good enough for now.'_

At these words, I felt my first tinge of jealously toward him. My first tinge of sadness. My first tinge of anger. My first tinge of worthlessness. How that would increase terribly over time. But for the moment, there wasn't time to think about that.

'_Go and greet your brothers. They are waking up about now. Tell them of their mission. I will lead you home once you are finished.'_

_'Yes, Mother.'_

At this command, I looked down at the two other bodies laying on the ground, with similar attire as me, though in different styles. They were stirring now. I placed the Souba back in its harness, and was confused as to where to put it, until-

'_There's a strap on your back that attaches to the sheath.' _

At this information, I felt along my backside until I found said strap, and attached it to the Souba. Looking back at my siblings, I went over to the one with hair much longer hair than mine, who slowly sat up and was rubbing his face. I knelt down next to him and took the gloved-clad hand that was on the ground into my own. A name went through my head- _Yazoo. _At my touch, he took his hand away from his face and looked at me questionably for a moment, until he noticed I had similar features as he. Although, we didn't look much alike…he looked a lot more like Sephiroth.

"Kadaj?" he asked slowly, having the same instinct I had.

I nodded, with a light smile on my face.

"Come on- get up. We have to go soon."

I pulled Yazoo on his feet, and, besides noticing he was much taller than me, I felt some sort of odd bond between us, that told me this was my brother. He seemed to notice it too, as he nodded toward me and there was no question in his eyes.

We both heard a grunt and looked to see the other remnant getting on his feet, looking around for a moment before he spotted us. _Loz. _He too, looked different from the both of us, mainly due his short hair, short enough to expose his ears. His features were also not as gentle as ours- they were more masculine. He had more physique than either of us as well and was also quite tall. I wondered for a moment the reason I had my short stature, but I figured it wasn't important.

"Good…now that you're both awake, I'll have to tell you about our mission. First off, we have been formed not only from Mother, but Sephiroth's sprit. Sephiroth is our eldest brother. We are his remnants, and we each contain a piece of him."

Yazoo nodded in understanding, while Loz seemed a bit perplexed.

"But what happened to him?"

"I don't know. Mother hasn't told me yet. But he isn't important right now- our mission is to find Mother. She says she's been tucked away, and can't tell us where she is. She wants to be with us so we can be a family. However, she said it won't be easy to do because the humans are against us and they will get in our way. That's why we each have weapons. Mother has already granted us the ability to use them," I announced.

At this, Yazoo felt against his back, realizing a gun was there, and Loz looked at his left arm to which an odd device was attached. He also had a gun buried in a pocket at his left side. I felt Mother's presence come over me for a moment as I was filled with more knowledge.

"Yazoo, your gun is the Velvet Nightmare and Loz, your…weapon on your arm is the Dual Hound. You are to use those if ever the need to fight. Mother has also appointed me as leader because she can talk to me directly. Understood?"

They both nodded, and I felt a sense of accomplishment of having said my first speech.

_'Good job, Kadaj. You seem to assume your position as leader quite nicely.'_

I smiled a bit as I felt my pride swell with these words.

_'Now, your home is in the Forgotten City. It is some distance away, but you should be able to reach it by nightfall. I will lead you there.'_

"Our home is in the Forgotten City. Mother is going to lead me there, so follow me," I instructed.

I felt an odd presence over me, and suddenly started walking off in a direction I didn't know- but then I remembered she had told me she had some control over me. My brothers followed close behind me, and there was silence the whole trip as we looked around the new, snowy environment.

For the next month, Mother told me everything I ever needed to do, since I didn't know at the time. She explained the geography of the Planet, how to obtain gil, how to use it, how to care for ourselves and lots of other common knowledge. I grew to know her as a guide, and it was through this that I started to love her, for without her I knew I would be lost. She had to care about me if she was willing to help me so much. When I would tell her this, she would just say it was a mother's job to care for their children. It was nearly funny how sweet and motherly she seemed during this time- it was part of her scheme to brainwash me so I would be at her beck and call no matter what. It made me angry just thinking about it.

Once I had learned enough, she left me alone more often and I started the quest of finding her. It would be tiresome and extremely illogical to go around on foot- she could be anywhere. We needed some type of vehicle. The nearby towns were not very populated, but walking around I noticed an establishment that sold motorcycles. Obtaining most of the gil from fiends, although we did sometimes resort to mugging, I was able to buy one for each of us. Mother seemed pleased with this idea because she also granted us the ability to use them properly. Once we realized this, I chose a destination- and off we went.

Through our fruitless travels, we learned more about each other and developed a brotherly bond. Yazoo became one that was very observant and very sharp in intellect, often having the knack of figuring things out just by thinking for a few moments. This proved to be very useful, as I seemed sometimes so focused on Mother I wasn't aware of much else. He was also usually quiet, and unexpressive, quite the opposite of me. He also usually followed everything I commanded. Depending on my mood, he sometimes would make a suggestion. Yazoo also seemed to know when I was frustrated, or upset over something as he would sometimes ask me about it, or attempt to do something to cheer me up. He also had a sarcastic streak in him that was sometimes humorous.

Loz, on the other hand, was quite different. He had enough energy for the both of us and was optimistic. He seemed to be very focused in finding Mother, nearly as much as I was, while Yazoo sometimes seemed distant about it. I assumed it was because he was much more mature than we were and was independent. Loz also was not very keen smart-wise and had to have things explained to him often so he could understand. He was keen in battle nonetheless and also showed the most emotion out of all three of us. He would cry sometimes at our loss of not having found Mother yet, and while sometimes I thought it was silly, I could not deny that I did cry over the same situation myself at times, in private. Yazoo seemed to be the only one who had a sympathetic side to him, and would always have to calm Loz down. Once Loz was cheered up, he would be back to his bouncy self again. He also was the main source of comic relief for us, usually unintentionally.

I appreciated Yazoo's intelligence as much as Loz's humor and grew to love them as brothers do. From what it seemed, they loved me too, and it was nice to know, although Mother's love seemed much more important to me. I felt guilty about this sometimes…actually I felt guilt about a lot of things.

What was there to say about myself? I seemed to be ever-changing; there were times I would be eager and easy going- and the next I would be angry and frustrated. There were times I would talk to my brothers and we would laugh- there were times I would yell orders at them cruelly as those they were my servants instead of my siblings. I would chide Yazoo for his absent-mindedness, accusing him of not being faithful to Mother and yell at Loz for not taking our mission seriously. I was a naive, reckless, amicable teenager one moment- then I could be a cruel, stubborn, angry leader the next. I became so full with rage once that while arguing with Yazoo for the umpteenth time about his distantness, I hit him, right across the face. The impact was strong enough to knock him to the ground and leave a mark on his cheek. He blinked up at me, shock in his eyes, and Loz was now crying, begging me to stop. It was then, standing over my older brother with my fist raised, realizing that I didn't even know _why_ my fist was raised, that I knew something was wrong with me.

The anger that sometimes came over me, was not mine. The apathetic, almost crude attitude that would rise within me, was not mine. Every time I had ever felt this way, I felt some type of foreign presence come over me, and the furious words I would yell, the intolerable actions I would commit, were not in my control. Once the presence was gone, I was left with confusion and guilt. _Why_ did I do such things when I had never intended to? Why did I act akin to a monster to the people I loved most? _Why?_

I would be left in frustrated tears after such incidents and could only manage to apologize feebly to my siblings the next day, ashamed of myself. Nonetheless, they would always forgive me for it, which I was thankful for, although I felt sometimes I didn't deserve it.

But then, after I had apologized to Yazoo for hitting him, what he said intrigued me.

_'It's alright…I don't blame you. When I looked up at you, after you hit me, there was…something in your eyes…they seemed dimmer than usual, and almost…they weren't your eyes. It was as though…someone was possessing you.'_

As he said these words, he seemed perplexed himself, as did Loz. I didn't know what to make of it at all. So I did what I always did when I was unsure of something- I asked Mother.

_'Mother, there's something wrong with me.'_

_'What do you mean Kadaj?'_

_'There are times I feel that…I'm not myself. I get really angry and I…I hit Yazoo yesterday and I would never do such a thing…I don't even know why I would! And Yazoo said that my eyes look different when I'm acting like that…'_

There was silence for a moment before Mother chuckled, to my surprise.

_'Kadaj, remember I told you are a part of Sephiroth's sprit?'_

_'Yes?'_

_'You hold his thoughts, feelings, even memories within you. Since you hold more of a concentration of this than your brothers, they affect you more. You are his avatar, and his emotions are bound to sometimes overcome your own. It is not your fault…it is just what you are.'_

_'So then…he can control me?"_

_'Not quite to the extent that I can, but yes, he does influence you. He has a very strong will Kadaj- and that will carries on within all three of you.'_

I was more than disappointed by this answer. I was almost angry…_he_ can control me? Turn me into this _monster_? And I could nothing about it? She was telling me this as though it were perfectly fine- I couldn't believe it.

'_So, what am I then? His little puppet?'_

'_Well…I wouldn't want to use such a term, but…you are Kadaj. You are one that is influenced by the commands and wants of others.'_

'_And you think I'm okay with that!?'_

_'Kadaj, do not speak to me in such a tone. Do you think I have such control to make you just as normal and happy like everyone else? I have guided you and taken care of you the best I can. Life is not fair and you cannot always get what you want. You're lucky to be alive, to have me- what would you be doing right now if it weren't for my help?' _

For the first time, I heard coldness in her voice and it shook me, scared me. I felt helpless.

_'I'm…I'm sorry Mother. You're right…I'll always be grateful for what you've done for us.'_

_'Then act like it. I did not make you leader for you to complain about everything. Understood?'_

_'Yes Mother. I'm sorry…'_

_'It is alright. Just do not let it happen again.' _

With this less than warm statement she left my mind and I realized there were tears in my eyes.

Things became a lot worse after that. As we continued in our search for her, she would chide me a lot more often about my leadership abilities. She would tell me how, if Sephiroth were on this quest, he would have already been headed in the right direction. About how, instead of letting Yazoo wander off in his own world and letting Loz be unclear about his surroundings, Sephiroth would have them both on the same track and focused on the mission. She would go on and on about how intelligent and admirable he was, how he always made her happy, how she _never_ had to correct him because he did everything _right_. He was just perfect, and I could never be that perfection. I could never be good enough. I could never please Mother like he could. It was when I realized this, I started to envy him and this envy turned to loathing in a short amount of him. But behind my anger, I felt so insignificant. I felt almost hurt…Mother would never love me like she loved him. I accepted this as a fact, because obviously in my six months of trying to find her, my dedication to her was not enough. It seemed it never would be. I didn't need her to tell me this. Maybe I was naïve, but I wasn't stupid.

The thought of this even brought me into a depression for some time. What was the point of trying to find her if I couldn't please her? It all seemed so pointless. Yazoo and Loz knew immediately something was wrong with me when they had asked me where we should look next- and I said I didn't know. What even bothered me more was that I couldn't tell them what was upsetting me. They wouldn't understand and would most likely tell me not to be upset because Mother loves us and that she's only doing what she thinks is right. I didn't want to hear it, so I just shut up about it. When they got my drift, they would just leave me alone, until I got over it.

I couldn't hide it forever though, like I had planned. Yazoo came into my room and caught me crying from frustration one night. Surprised and concerned, he urged me to tell him what was wrong. He had a stern, bossy tone he used when he was annoyed with something, and I couldn't deny it. Mother was already angry with me, and I didn't want him angry at me too. So, with a sigh, I told him. Everything. About Mother constantly comparing me to Sephiroth. About how I was influenced by him. How Mother did not seem to love me like she loved him. How I felt completely useless.

To my surprise, I found Yazoo did not just push away my words and tell me not to worry about it- in fact, he seemed to understand. Him being not very obsessed with Mother, it wasn't such a huge surprise to him that she wasn't as nice and caring as she seemed to be. He told me that I shouldn't really care about what she says about Sephiroth, because regardless of the fact that I am part of him, I am _not_ him, and don't have to be. I don't have to be perfect. Yazoo said she was probably saying all of this to motivate me _not_ to be like him, so I could do other things to make her happy. To do something maybe even Sephiroth didn't do. She was trying to test my potential.

_'…and don't you ever think that you are worthless. Me and Loz would be completely lost without you. Regardless of whatever you do or how you act, you're still our little brother and we'll always care about you no matter what.' _

I could only bring myself to stare at my older brother as I absorbed his comforting words. This was the first time, not counting Mother, that someone had said words to me to make me feel better. To make my confidence rise. To make me feel…_loved_. At this realization, I did something I had never done before. I threw my arms around my sweet sibling, in what was to be a hug, although it much tighter than that. I had my head over his shoulder, as he was sitting on the bed next to me, and my arms around his middle, not exactly at his waist. And I did not let go of him for while, because I was overcome with the fact that he understood me. I could be more open with him, and instead of asking Mother questions all the time, I could ask him. At least I knew he would not chide me. This made it all the better. I felt relieved that I had someone there for me now, and that I didn't have to go through this alone. It would make the next months to come much more bearable. He didn't react at first to my embrace, but then held me back awkwardly. I didn't really care that it was awkward- he was still _holding_ me. That was all that mattered.

After that night, I felt considerably better, and returned to my normal self- whatever that was- for the moment. Nothing really changed though, and besides Mother's complaints, my weird, my sometimes startling dreams continued.

A couple months into my existence, I started to have dreams of things and people I couldn't recall. They were blurry and fast moving at first, so I could make nothing of it. Eventually, they seemed to calm down and I could out make figures of people, hearing muffled voices. After some time, they became more vivid.

Every dream seemed to take place through someone's eyes, and it was only later I figured it was through Sephiroth's eyes. These were his memories that I held within me. I could not make sense of most of them, although they all weren't entirely undesired.

One of the first few that intrigued me was one where it seemed it was night, and I- or, Sephiroth, rather- was walking behind someone further ahead. Whoever it was had hair the length of mine, layered almost like mine, but the hair was a chestnut brown. He wore what I knew as a 2nd Class SOLDIER uniform, from the knowledge Mother had given me. He became closer as Sephiroth suddenly ran closer toward him, grabbing his wrist. He turned around, and the 2nd Class looked around my age, with bright blue eyes, and full lips. There was also a long silver earring pierced into his right ear, and he was looking at Sephiroth curiously.

_'Be careful. Don't be nonchalant just because it's night. They could attack at any time,' _he said, and I shivered in my sleep, hearing his voice.

A smug smile came on to the blue-eyed teen's face and I realized with surprise that this person looked at lot like…_me_.

_'You worry too much.'_

_'And you don't worry enough!'_

_'I'll be fine, Sephiroth. Besides, you're with me, what's there to worry about?'_

The calm, velvety voice of the SOLDIER soothed me somehow, and he smiled for a moment before there was a flash and I was brought into another memory. The same guy was in front of me, but this time he was sitting with his legs crossed on a chair in what appeared to be a hotel room. He now had on a First Class Uniform, which was covered by a magenta coat, with matching gloves and appeared to be reading a book.

_'Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess. We seek it thus, and take to the sky. Ripples form on the water's surface. The wandering soul knows no rest', _he read.

'_What in the heck are you reading?' _Sephiroth asked, his voice curious and seemingly annoyed at the same time. He went toward the reading youth, who looked up at him with a smile.

_'LOVELESS. It's a wonderful play. I've even memorized it.'_

'_Why?'_

_'I didn't do it intentionally. I've just read it so many times that it stayed with me.'_

_'Is it really that good?'_

_'You can read it if you like.'_

He offered the book to Sephiroth, and it was held it front of my view. I wasn't able to make out what it said, but after a moment, it was brought down out of my sight.

_'How is anyone supposed to make sense of this nonsense?'_

'_Hmpf, you just don't have the skill to appreciate excellent literature. Angeal doesn't seem to either_.'

'_I don't blame him.' _

The other looked offended for a moment while Sephiroth chuckled and the scene changed again. This time, the youth from before wasn't there, but now someone else was in front of me. He had short, straight black hair, bright eyes and a serious look to his face. He was in a 1st Class uniform as well.

_'I've known Genesis since I was a child. He's been my best friend…I'm not really sure how, but we've always gotten along. I know he can be immature and bossy at times, but that's who he is. He doesn't mean anything by it.' _

_'It doesn't seem so. He didn't even apologize.' _

My supposed eldest brother's voice was laced with anger.

'_Genesis doesn't do apologies. He never did. He'll just come along one day and ask you if you want to take a walk or something. Depending on whether you accept or not, he'll know if you've forgiven him. '_

'_And what if I don't want to?'_

_'He'll get to you eventually. He has his ways.'_

The man's expression had softened, as though trying to be comforting.

_'I'd like to see him try.'_

For quite some nights, I had dreams of those two men, some where they appeared my age, others when they were older. I learned the one that looked like me was Genesis- and the other Angeal. They appeared to be Sephiroth's friends. There was also a man with spiky black hair and a seemingly cheery nature who appeared in those memories who seemed to be acquainted with Sephiroth. It surprised me to think that he could be _normal_- and not be the monster I believed he was. Mother had told me about his plan to destroy the Planet- it frightened me, because I felt one day she would expect me to do the same thing. I wondered why she had never mentioned this happy, sane type of Sephiroth to me before. It was much more admirable than his insanity.

Not all of my dreams were as peaceful however. I would have memories of the day Nibelheim burned down, of the many people he killed, as well as other traumatic instances. They startled me enough to the point where I would wake up, covered in sweat and panting, as though I had been one of fleeing citizens in my dream. Then there were those that were unrelated to his memories, and just horrid nightmares, terrible enough that I would scream in my sleep and would wake up to feel Yazoo shaking me awake, confusion and fear in his eyes. I hated those nights…I felt so shaken by those nightmares that I would not go back to sleep in fear of them returning. Unlike most, I would never be able to enjoy sleep. Only once in awhile did I get a dreamless rest.

Months went by, and nothing really changed. I became used to Mother's nitpicking and complaints, and, taking Yazoo's suggestion, used them as fuel to complete my tasks better and come up with reasonable plans for finding her. If it ever became unbearable, I'd go to Yazoo to talk to, and that would ease my emotional pain. My new ideas seemed to satisfy her, as she would compliment me on my supposed 'improvement' and bringing myself, as well as my brothers, into full focus of our mission. With this, I grew more attached to her.

_'Your train of thought seems to be much clearer now. Your getting closer to my location. You appear to be fit for your task after all.'_

_'Thank you, Mother.'_

_'By the way, as you continue moving on, you might run into your rogue brother.'_

_'I have another brother?'_

I was taken control of again, and was given a vision of a man with oddly spiked blonde hair, deep blue eyes and a glare on his face- my first glimpse of you.

'_He is not much of a brother…he is a traitor.'_

'_A traitor?'_

_'He has never learned to appreciate my presence. He has abandoned it, and went against Sephiroth- he defeated him. He will most likely seek to defeat you and your brothers once he is aware of your task.'_

_'But…we're his family aren't we?'_

_'It does not matter to him. To him, we are nothing. We are his enemies. As such, he is our enemy as well. You shall not let him get in the way of finding me, as he will try to stop you. He is nothing but a failure- and turns his anger of that onto us. He is not to be trusted.'_

At this information, that anyone could disown Mother after all she does, and go against her- it shocked and angered me. I did not care much for Sephiroth's death, but I did care about her and obviously the welfare of my brothers, as well as my own. I saw you as a threat to what I wanted most- to be complete with my family. Having the idea that you would prevent me from having this, after all the frustrating months I went through, for your own selfish reasons- my hatred for you formed at once.

_'So, if we were to ever see him, we are to kill him?'_

_'Yes. If not kill him, at least stall him off.'_

_'I understand, Mother. I won't let him take me away from you.'_

_'Good. However, your loyalty to me will be tested. It is then I shall see the truth of your words.' _

She left my body and I now had two things in mind.

One, that I would not let anything stop me in my quest in finding her. Nothing at all. I was close to it and I would do whatever I had to do to obtain her, to prove my loyalty. _Anything_.

And two…that I had to kill you.

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FEAR THE CLIFFHANGER!! lol. Okay let me explain a few things:  
1) It is a fact that teh remnants formed in the Northern Crater because that's where Cloud defeated Sephiroth and where his sprit remained, forming them. There are stories that say they were raised in the ShinRa labs and stuff, but its proved to be false. They are _remnants, _not clones. Finding this out was part of the Kadaj research I did for a year XDDD  
2) The stuff about the Souba is fact too, I've read it a few times on various sites. The ribbons, sadly, are not just there to look pretty. And in a certain picture of Kadaj holding the Souba to Cloud's throat, you notice one blade is_ tad_ tinter than the other.  
3) Heh heh, I'd thought I'd add in Genesis and Angeal for kicks. Cute ne? I didn't want Kadaj to suffer completley, at least those dreams would give him some comfort.  
Think that's it. Also, I know a lot of people interpret Kadaj to be really cruel, "manly", a bastard, jerk-off or whatever, but I ALWAYS saw him as an innocent child who's just been horribly used as a toy to throw away. I don't blame him for anything he ever did because I believe the blame is in the puppeteers who are controlling him. It's kinda obvious at the end of the movie really. XDD I also see a very emotional side to him, and I think it would normal for him to cry in his moments of confusion, okay? Just in case he seemed like a cry baby or whatever in this. The Cloud and Kadaj boy love fest will continue in the next chapter!! PLEEEASE review it will mean the WORLD to me!!


	3. Chapter 3

GAH. This chapter KICKED MY ASS. Literally. It seems I'm a bit rusty, as it takes awhile for my thoughts to transfer to my fingers to be typed, but AT LEAST THIS IS DONE. It came out so long actually that I had to split it, to make it easier on your eyes XD. This piece alone is liek 12 pages. o.o;. AND THE ANGST KILLED MEH TOO. Geez...so happy this is my last bit of it. Anyway, I spent like 5 days on this so READITPLZKTHX.

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I told the news of you to my brothers, who like myself were shocked and angered. They understood my words, and we continued on.

After finding those two Turks in the Northern Crater, and having known they had given Mother away, we tortured them. While I did feel anger toward them, especially since they refused to tell us where she was, there seemed to be some other rage controlling me as I kicked and sliced them, and it even seemed to control my brothers. We did not stop until our victims, as well as ourselves, were covered in blood. It was only afterwards, when I had collected their bloody ID cards, which told the location of Rufus ShinRa and had a phone number, that I realized that the rage was, not surprisingly, Sephiroth's as well. I was a bit shaken as I realized what I had just done to those people, leaving them to die…and for what? I was now not only troubled by Sephiroth's influence, but I was now scared of…_myself_.

Soon enough, with the information on the ID cards, we reached Midgar- or the ruins of it anyway. It was here Mother told me you were. She had never mentioned your name, and so I decided to label you as Niisan. That fateful day, we waited for you- and spotted you speeding off back home. I alerted my brothers who you were- and with a single nod of my head, they were off. I intended to finish you off quickly- or at least I thought.

While I argued with Rufus over the phone, I watched you, admiring your battle skills. Mother was right- you were against us. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the scene in front of me. I wish it were closer so I could see you better. Even if you were my enemy, you still intrigued me. Mother didn't say much about you except your betrayal, but I was sure there was more to you.

Finally shutting my cell phone, I watched Yazoo summon the shadow creepers, and was pleased for a moment- that was until I noticed you didn't have your sword. They were about to ambush you- _kill_ you. For some reason, my humane side surfaced, worry took over me and I rose my hand, summoning the creatures away. You had started to appear in my dreams- and the one that had interested me most was where you appeared to be younger, at my age, in an infantryman uniform, glaring viciously at me- Sephiroth- and I had noticed a sword was pierced through you…_his_ sword. This memory had ended with you yelling out in anger as you gripped the sword, and apparently threw Sephiroth off somewhere, as there was a slight blur of vision before a white flash.

Had you been a traitor then? Or was Sephiroth just hurting you for no apparent reason like the monster he is? I was not sure of this and did not have the courage to ask Mother. This questioning I had for you was what caused me to raise my hand…to save you. I felt I could not kill you without knowing you- without being sure if you were always a traitor. If you were even a traitor at all. I may be violent in my plan to get what I wanted- but I wasn't a mindless murderer. I could never be…I would not _let_ myself be…because that was what _he_ was. I had never killed anyone before and if I had to, I wanted to make sure why.

I summoned my brothers back, and for the first time, you turned to look at me. We were quite far away, but I could still make out your confused, scowling face. I did not know why, but I grinned at you. As though to tell you that I had seen you- I knew you- and I would be back to get you.

My brothers angrily questioned why I had spared your life when we returned home. I retorted that I had not sent them to kill you- I just wanted to test your abilities, and they had no right to try to rid of you without my permission. While agitated, they quieted after this, and Yazoo was giving me a puzzling look as though he knew that was not the reason I had saved you. Thankfully, he didn't bring it up and neither did I.

And then, of course, there was Mother.

_'What is the matter with you? You could have gotten him out of the way without a hassle and gotten to me with ease! Have you forgotten your purpose?'_

_'No, Mother, I-'_

_'Then why would you such a stupid thing? He would not spare your life as you did with his. Never. Why don't you think about that the next time you want to save him?'_

She left with this wrathful statement and I myself became agitated. I could tolerate many things, but being called stupid wasn't one of them. For the first time, instead of being upset, I felt anger toward her. Maybe I was a puppet, but I had the ability to do what I wanted. I refused to be held by her strings.

I didn't know it at the time, but that was the first instance when I had started to pull away from her.

I was quite moody for the next couple days, which was why I felt no remorse in attacking and hurting those two Turks who attempted to intercept my way to Rufus. I was not sure what to make of the former President, although I still used the title to address him. He was fool, lying through his teeth to me and attempting to seem amicable. This should have made me angry- but I didn't let it. I played along with his little game for my own amusement. If there one thing I did like about him though- he was quiet. An idiot, yes he was, but at least he let me speak my thoughts and attempt to sort them.

I also had no issue sending my brothers off with my new plan- I needed to be alone for awhile. However, all I could think about in my alone time was you. I didn't know why, but you were like that piece of a puzzle that never fits anywhere- I didn't know where to place you in my mind. I couldn't just label you as a traitor anymore…it didn't seem accurate.

I saw you again at our base, which was expected. I felt some type of odd excitement as I awaited your arrival. I would actually be able to see you this time.

Using the children as pawns to grab your attention, soon enough you made your entrance- not a very graceful one, but at least you had arrived. As you painfully picked yourself up, it was somehow dazzling to see the figure in my dreams real before my eyes. Your golden hair was dimmed by the night surroundings, making it look paler than it actually was. It still retained the forever constant spikes, and I surveyed them, as in my dreams you were blurred. I had never noticed the particular pattern the spikes followed.

Settled, you raised your head to look at me- and I forgot to breathe.

Your now clear, defined face was even more appealing than it was in my rushed dreams. Your skin seemed to glow under the moon's rays, having the same pigment as my own. Due to this, those dark blues orbs tainted with mako stood out even more against its white surroundings. But it was not just the color of your eyes that captivated me- it was what was _inside_ your eyes.

You attempted to cover your real emotions with a mask of anger- but I saw right through you as though you were a window as I leaned down toward you. There was sadness in those eyes…hurt…pain even. Grief. All the things I never expected to be associated with you were right there, swimming around in cerulean jewels. Now I was even more inquisitive…what put that sadness there? What was Mother not telling me about you? I felt I needed to know. I _had_ to know.

Even if you were a supposed traitor, and you hated us, and you hated Mother…you were still my brother. You were family. You deserved to be given a chance, weren't you? Despite Mother's thoughts, I thought you were.

But not that night. I couldn't, not with them watching- so I mocked you, told of your despicable behavior to the possessed children, even brought Souba to your throat. It was a convincing act- turned away from my siblings, I smiled at you, as though to secretly communicate to you that I wasn't really going to kill you. Behind your facade of hate, I saw puzzlement tingling in your eyes.

As I turned away for a moment, bringing my weapon with me, I motioned as though to slice off your head- until that little girl cried out your name, surprising me. I paused a bit longer than necessary, contemplating what I should do- until I heard the sound of you grabbing your fallen sword. Jumping out of the way and landing on a nearby rock to avoid your attack, I watched with the same interest as you battled against my brothers once again. This time however, they seemed to have the upper hand. You maintained yourself well, nonetheless- I had to say I was a bit impressed. After a few minutes, you noticed me and jumped in my direction. So, this was to be our first fight.

As you neared me, my normal sense of self succumbed to Sephiroth's will as I fought against you- and surprisingly, I was able to knock you off guard. My hands gripped the handle of the Souba tightly as I raised it to pierce you, his triumph, twisted grin showing on my face. You blocked my attack though, and I sensed something behind me. Flipping over the end of the small cliff we had fallen on, I landed softly on my feet and watched you fall, crashing onto the ground. You were unconscious.

Although I should have felt achieved at this, I was only startled. Were we really too much for you? Or were you just not trying? If you could defeat Sephiroth with ease, why couldn't you defeat us? Why couldn't you defeat _me_, someone several years younger than yourself? I felt disappointed and confused at this. It was these thoughts that stalled me for a moment, letting that red cape thing capture you and take you away. I growled in frustration- but not because you had escaped me. You now left me with more questions, questions that I could not answer.

My mood did not get any better as Mother chided me again about my failure to eliminate you. Her comments seemed to get more bitter, and my sense of worth declined. I couldn't cry anymore; I could only express my frustration through anger. My sometimes foul moods drew my brothers away from me- it only made me feel more alone.

I believe it was this, when I felt so lonely, that no one could really understand me, that I decided I wanted to see you. Only you could set things right…at least a few things. It was worth the trouble. I didn't care much for Mother's thoughts anymore- I had my own. I knew she was hiding things from me…things only maybe you would know. I had to find out. The only way I could do this would be to sneak out at night, when my brothers were asleep.

I found you first by mistake, not very far from my base. I was surprised to see you in such a place- didn't you know the danger you faced?

You had just been sitting, thoughtful, looking up at the stars. For a moment you didn't realize I was there, as I was hiding behind a glowing tree. I saw that sadness in your eyes again, even more so than before. What was troubling you so much? I wasn't entirely sure why I wanted to know.

I approached you and the second you noticed I was there, you stood up. You didn't glare at me though- your eyes held curiosity, as well as mine. They also seemed to hold something else as they peered at me…pity? Another surprising thing was, you didn't have your sword. You dared to walk into your enemy's territory without a weapon? Now that was just silly. But stupidity was not something I had inferred about you from my dreams- you had to have _some_ reason why you would do such a thing.

"Why are you here, Niisan?"

"That's none of your business."

I didn't expect the coldness in your voice.

"That so? You're on my base."

"It isn't _yours_. It isn't anyone's. People can visit if they like."

Your gaze had left mine and I could only ponder over your words. Visit…why would you want to visit?

"But why would you want to come here for?"

"What does it concern you?"

"Niisan, look at me," I commanded. The annoyed tone you were using was one thing, but being disregarded was what bothered me. I figured you the decency to at least look at the people you were talking to.

You had fallen silent, and now had chosen to ignore me, your eyes on the ground. I would _not_ tolerate being ignored, not only because it was rude obviously, but because it was how I had felt for most of my short life. A streak of anger went through me, and I went forward and grabbed your chin, making your eyes fall in sync with mine.

"_Look_ at me."

As you did so, my spur of rage disappeared immediately.

The feelings I had seen in your eyes some nights before were even more prominent now. I never really looked at myself much, but I wondered if my own eyes held the same despair yours had. There was hopelessness…worthlessness…confusion…frustration…hurt…almost everything I had ever felt in my life was right there in your eyes, where I least expected them to be. Did you feel like I did right now? We weren't so different after all…was this what Mother was trying to hide from me?

Even more so, you did not pull away from my grasp, which was even more perplexing. Didn't you hate me? Want to hurt me? It didn't seem so at all, as you weren't averted to my touch. There was also something in your eyes I couldn't identify…something warm and almost like…desire?

You moved closer to me suddenly, and startled, I pulled away. You stopped, something akin to disappointment in your expression. Before I could say anything however, you simply turned and walked away. My eyes followed you until you were out of sight.

It was this night where I had actually contemplated that you weren't a traitor.

You were reluctant to talk to me, which while was expected, it still irritated me. You would make my quest to find out about you a lot more difficult. That look in your eyes that I wasn't sure of…I wanted to know what that was. No one had ever looked at me like that before. You were such a hard puzzle to figure out.

It was only after some nights that I suddenly remembered you lived in that old church in the ruins, where I had sent Loz to steal your materia. Smiling to myself, I knew cornering you at that church would be the only place where you couldn't escape from me. And so, that night, once I had dragged my motorcycle far enough from home, I zoomed off toward the Midgar ruins. I stopped at the broken down church, and was a bit disappointed to see your own vehicle wasn't there. Well, you would have to turn up sooner or later. Stepping inside, I immediately noticed the patch of yellow flowers the moonlight illuminated. Having never actually seen the pretty plants, I went over to them, touching the delicate petals with my leather bound fingertips. They also gave off a sweet scent I found I was fond of. I settled myself among them, a serene feeling coming over me as I looked up at the moon for a moment before placing my attention at the door.

Soon enough, you came in with your head down as you walked towards me. You paused, and looked up, shock overcoming your expression when you noticed me. Smirking at your reaction, I asked if you were really so surprised to see me. You seemed even more appalled at this and I couldn't help but chuckle. After telling you my honest intentions, I was happy to see you come and sit by me, promising you would answer all of my questions. Your promise meant a lot to me- you were willing to be honest with me. I wouldn't have to wonder about what you would say…I knew it would be true. This realization soothed me somehow, and without noticing it, I had already started to like you.

Each night you told me a different story- sometimes they were long, sometimes short. They were usually sad or upsetting in some way, although there were some that lifted your mood up. One in particular I noticed was when you spoke of your deceased lover, Zack.

_"He was my first real friend that I ever had…he was always so happy and full of energy…he made everyone smile. He was also really sweet and funny…there was never a dull moment with him," _you told me, a smile on your face. _"It was weird how we got along so well, because we were so different. He was the exact opposite of me…but I think because he was a complete opposite of myself he balanced me out. He's one of the few people that actually made me smile…made me laugh. I think that was why I fell in love with him. And he was so…beautiful."_

You seemed almost dazed as you remembered him, and for whatever reason, it made me smile. It was nice to see you happy and relaxed like this…but yet, I now understood why you were depressed most of the time. You had been robbed of people you loved dearly, even robbed of your own memories and your mind…I felt so sorry for you. Someone as kind as you shouldn't have had to go through all those things. Nonetheless, as you told me more about yourself, I realized the many things we had in common and I grew closer to you.

I did not know exactly when I had disbanded the thought that you were traitor and placed my trust in you. I did not know when I realized I felt so calm and cheerful, even comfortable in your presence, enough that I would lay my head on your lap or let you touch me. I did not know when I started to become eager to go and see you every night, and when I started to feel a bit saddened when I left you. I did not know when I actually began to care about you just as much as Mother, and started shutting her out. I did know when the thought of you sped my heart up and made me smile.

But what I did know was that you were the only person that actually talked to me, that made an effort to know about me. You gave me the attention I had always been seeking for. You didn't see me as a leader or a puppet- you saw me as _me_. And so, I didn't have to pretend to be anything around you. I could just be myself. For most of my existence, I really didn't know what myself was- but the more time I spent with you, the more I found out who _I _really was. I was _not_ just a puppet, I was not an uncontrollable fiend and I was not a cruel leader. That was what _Sephiroth_ was. That was what he had made me into at times. But I was not him, and I would never let myself act like him again.

It was when I had made this discovery that he started to affect me less and less. My nightmares were becoming fewer as well. It was when I knew I was my own person and had my own intentions that Mother had a harder time communicating with me. And so, for the first time, without being in your presence, I could be myself most of the time. My brothers noticed this change immediately, and while questionable, they were quite happy about it. We became closer again, like the family we were meant to be. It was in these moments I considered perhaps I didn't need Mother to make me happy, or to make me feel complete. That was how…_you_ made me feel. And somewhere, throughout all our conversations we had, the smiles and laughter we shared, and the peaceful, normal times I had with my family- this warm, bubbly, blissful type feeling came over me. It was only when I thought about you- which was becoming more often now- or when I was with you that I felt it the most. After sometime and careful thought, I realized it was the feeling I had always yearned for since the day I was formed.

Love.

I was still very oblivious to many things, so I wasn't sure how to express my heartfelt feelings to you. I did feel a need to be closer to you however, so I started sitting your lap and laying my head on your shoulder, which you didn't seem to mind. I liked your touches even more now, your arm around my waist, your fingers playing with my hair. My desirable emotion for you blossomed when you did this, and I had never felt so at ease with you like I did now. I even felt an odd sense of security with you…you were my protection from Mother, from Sephiroth, my forever confusing life…and most importantly, you protected me from…_myself_. My frustration, insecurities and any of the dreadful feelings that affected me so, didn't exist when I was with you. You took that all away, and made me realize I was worth something. I was something to fight for, in your eyes.

But of course, nothing so good can come without a price.

I had fooled myself thinking I was scot-free from now on, because Mother hadn't been able to talk to me for a long while. I thought perhaps she had…_gone_. On one of my nights as I went to go see you, I found I was terribly wrong.

There a painful throb that had caused me to stop my walking and cry out in pain, grabbing my head. It occurred about a few more times, flashes of scenes I couldn't make out in front of my eyes. Then, I felt an almost forgotten presence come over me and also felt something else- _fury_.

'_How DARE you! You ungrateful, selfish, disobedient son! You have the audacity to IGNORE me? FORGET about me, as though I mean nothing? HOW DARE YOU!' _

Her voice was in nothing less but a furious yell, and I felt a painful shock run through me, almost causing me to fall to my knees.

'_Just what do you think you are? You think you have the right to go on your own accord? To desert your own mother and get away with it? After all I taught you, all I have done with you, _this_ is how you have repaid me? I have NEVER been so insulted in my life. You _disgust _me. Even more so, you've spent your time with that TRAITOR!' _

My knees fell to the ground as I felt her wraith again, making another sound of pain. I had never felt so frightened, so _terrified_ than I did right now, my eyes wide with fear and shock. But yet, even so, I would _not_ let her call you traitor.

_'Don't you call him a traitor!'_

_'WHAT DID YOU SAY?'_

_'I SAID don't call him a traitor! You lied to me!' I yelled at her in my head, not sure where the brashness to do such a thing came from, but behind my fear, fury was boiling in my own veins. 'He is NOT a traitor, you just told me that so-'_

_'YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU DISRECTFUL CHILD! You have the audacity to speak against me? I have lost any hope or respect for you. I expected better of you, Kadaj. But I guess I was wrong wasn't I?'_

_'Just because I'm not following everything you say doesn't mean-'_

My angry protest was cut off by what felt like an strong electric shock running through me and I fell to the ground with a scream, quivering with fear and the ache left afterward from the pain.

_'You let that traitor corrupt you, when I told you to stay away from him didn't I? DIDN'T I? He's supposed to be DEAD! And you, if you had half of mind, should have completed your mission! You are NOTHING compared to Sephiroth, and to even think I could of compared you to him-'_

More pain; another cry. Tears had now formed in my eyes from sheer terror.

'_You are nothing but a worthless remnant, forsaking those who have helped you the most! You are a failure, just like your brother. Do you hear me? A FAILURE!'_

Water sprouted from my eyes, as a cold, hurt feeling shook the very core of my heart as those words echoed in my mind…failure. I had never felt so small and powerless in my existence, wincing at the pain that was spread through my body.

'_Mother, stop-'_

_'You have disobeyed orders and you will be punished. It seems to be the only way you will learn. You will NEVER be able to atone for this. I am going to bring him back. Do you HEAR me?'_

_'No- Mother, please-'_

_'Don't you beg to me. Keep some of the pride you still have! You listen to me- you go and RID of that traitor- KILL him, and remember your place, and perhaps I will consider you. Do you understand me?'_

_'But…I-'_

_'DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? It's either HE DIES or you fail to exist, which one is more important to you?'_

I screamed with another burst of white heat erupting into my body, and I could not believe what I was being told. Fail to exist? When did that ever play into our mission? I suddenly remembered so long ago when she told me Sephiroth will come back…but I never knew it would be at the expense of my own life. Nonetheless, I could not take the pain anymore.

_'Please, stop- I can't take it-'_

_'You pick your choice FIRST.'_

_'Okay! I won't see him anymore! I'll kill him…I'll make it up to you…I promise!' _I managed to respond, my heart breaking as did so, even more salty tears running from my eyes.

_'How am I sure you are sincere?'_

_'Please Mother, I promise, I'm sorry…I love you.'_

The punishment stopped and there was silence in my mind for a moment, besides the fact that I was a sobbing mess on the ground.

_'That will do.'_

She left me, in pain and in dire despair. How foolish I was…to think life could be simple…to think I was anything but what I truly am…a puppet. The thought of you, everything you had ever done for me, everything that we had created between us, I would have to leave that all behind. Forget about it. Acted like it never happened…I cried even harder as this realization, the pain in my heart even more so than the ache left in my muscles. I didn't know how long I laid there on the ground, wondering what I should do. I finally decided I needed to see you one last time…to tell you what had happened. To tell you I was sorry…and to tell you that…I loved you.

That thought in mind, I slowly got up from the ground and got on my motorcycle, speeding off to your place as I though I felt I was running out of time. As each second passed and I got closer to you, I felt more and more choked up about what I needed to tell you. When I finally reached your location, my emotions I was trying poorly to conceal burst out of me. My face became covered in trails of tears, sobs the only noise that would come from my throat as I burst into the church and threw myself in your arms, the only place I ever felt safe, the only place I ever felt loved. I brought you as close to me as I could, reveling in the softness of your bare shoulder, the warmth of your body, your strong arms tight around me and your sweet, flowery scent. I wanted to enjoy it as much as I could, for what I thought would be the last time I would see you, but this thought only made me cry harder. The flow of water from my eyes seemed continuous…finally, after some time, it stopped. I sniffled, saying nothing. I didn't know what to say…Niisan, I can't see you anymore, I need to leave. I'm…sorry? Trying to think of someway to tell you we couldn't be together anymore, that I had to abandon you, hurt in a way I couldn't explain. It was physical pain, but yet it was…_so_ painful. So, I just remained silent, focusing on the light sound of you breathing. You didn't say anything, and it seemed as though you were waiting for me to speak. My brain pondered for a few moments as I contemplated what I should say…and finally, I gave a feeble attempt at it, fighting back my sobs.

But this night would forever be marked in my memory.

This was the night I confessed my feelings about my life to you, which I had never brought up in our numerous conversation.

This was the night that I told you I loved you, and that it wasn't that I didn't want to love you anymore but I…wasn't supposed to.

This was the night where you gave me my first kiss, so suddenly warm and sweetly passionate that it left me in a daze.

This was the night you told me Mother…no _Jenova_…was a lie…my entire _life_ was a lie, a joke, just a show for her and Sephiroth to enjoy as they pulled endlessly at my strings. Where I realized I was always just a naïve orphan, that I never had a mother and never would. That I was just a toy for them to play with and then throw away.

This was the night you told me that you loved me, and that you would always be there for me.

Having gone through so much emotion in such little time that night, I awoke in a daze, startled for a moment to see you beneath me, asleep and that I was still in the church. The memories of the previous night slowly came back to me and once they registered in my brain, a smile pulled at my lips as I looked down at you. For the first time I saw the true golden color of your hair, and noticed the light freckles under your eyes. You looked so peaceful in your sleep, your serene expression making you appear so beautiful…even angelic as the sun's rays beamed over you. I couldn't help but stare at you for a few moments, enchanted by your beauty.

With a sigh, I let myself fall back down onto the yellow, sweet-scented plants. I remember you had told me of the girl Aerith, who you said had planted these flowers and sold them for a living, since there was no sun in Midgar. As I looked up and admired the pale blue morning sky from the rather large hole in the ceiling, I frowned as I remembered that Mother…wasn't my mother, and my entire purpose on this Planet was now meaningless. It would take quite awhile for that to sink in…for it not to hurt that my existence was so pointless…that a being I placed so much trust and love into was a fake. It even brought a soft tear to my eye just thinking about it, but I blinked it away. I would be okay now…she couldn't hurt me now…I was safe. At least, I'd like to think so…I became anxious of how she would react if she was able to contact me after this…what she had done yesterday in her fury was horrible and terrifying, and I shivered wondering what else she could possibly do to me if she ever found out I truly betrayed her.

'_But no…she can't hurt me anymore. She means nothing to me anymore…she disgusts me…and she cannot harm me. I don't have to be afraid anymore,' _I attempted to console myself. It worked for the most part, although a small part of me would always fear for her return.

It then dawned on me that now I knew she had no control of me…what was I to do? What was I to say to Yazoo and Loz? Would they believe me? And even more importantly…what was I going to do with you? I loved you…and I wanted to stay with you. But would I be forced to leave my brothers if I wanted to be with you? They wouldn't understand…I wasn't even completely sure about it myself. Lost in thought, I didn't notice when you woke up, until you looked down over me with a smile, breaking my thoughts.

After we had breakfast, which you went out to buy and brought back to the church for us to eat safely, I told you I had to leave- my siblings would not respond well to me being gone. Promising that I would return that night, I kissed you before returning to my motorcycle, anxiety filling me as I got closer to my supposed home, praying they were still asleep. They were, thankfully, and I attempted to act as normal as possible, trying to hide my sadness as I felt the moments I was having with them now would be my last ones.

Besides that, my questioning continued every night, although now we mostly just talked instead of it being a question-answer type conversation. It was different, as I wasn't used to candidly speaking, but I found it enjoyable, sometimes funny when you would bring up a humorous memory from your past. I wasn't very used to laughter, or even really understood humor- but the more we conversed, and the more it came up as you seemed to be more cheerful each passing day, I became more familiar with it. I had a rather giggly, childlike laugh whenever something would greatly amuse me, and it was enough to bring you into laughter with me. It was odd at first to see you laugh, but that made it all the more amazing to see. Besides our nights lost to random conversation, and bubbly laughter, there were also those lost in passion, lost to the warmth of lovely kisses. I grew a bit more experienced in the intimate act each time it occurred and after the month or so of us growing ever closer after that memorable night, I found myself to be more comfortable and confident while sharing kisses with you. I also found I was becoming increasingly fond of it.

One night, you suddenly brought up an idea, one you seemed to have thought over carefully. You said that you wanted to go away- go away somewhere where we could be safe. Where we could spend the rest of our lives in peace. Just seeing me at night was not enough for you- you wanted me to _always_ be with you. Even though you'd have to leave your friends behind, you said you had never felt so alive as you did with me right now. I had taken away all your plaguing thoughts, your sorrow and given you back the happiness you thought was lost. I could only stare at you in pleasant surprise, my heart swelling after you said such touching words. I had no idea I meant so much to you…a feeling of importance came over me, something I thought I would never get back. But it seemed the impossible was always possible with you.

Nonetheless, I couldn't take your wonderful offer so soon- what was I to do about my family? You told me the decision was completely up to me- you weren't going to force me to do anything. I was grateful for it, but I felt at such a loss. I was worried of what they would do if I just suddenly left...would they try to look for me? Think I didn't care about them anymore? Would they be angry at me? Feel hurt? I loved you more than anything, but that didn't mean my love for my siblings was ever affected. Did I have the heart to leave them behind…_forever_?

You could see from my desperate expression I had no idea what I should do, and you held me then, pulling me gently on your lap and stroking my hair softly. My head on your chest, arms loosely around your waist, our legs tangled together, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to sigh with contentment as you played gently with my hair. It was right here, just laying with you, enjoying the feeling of you being this close, my heart fluttering, that I realized how you truly affected me, how wonderful you made me feel, how you were almost like an addiction: I could never get enough of you and I _needed_ you. The idea that maybe we could live together, that I would wake up everyday to see you beside me, was all too pleasing for me to ignore. I had never thought about it, but now that it was presented to me, I really did want to stay with you. If you were willing enough to take me with you to wherever we were to go, just so that I could live in peace and be truly happy…then I could do the same for you.

I told you my decision, and you seemed nothing short of delightful. I sort of felt the same way myself, but I was more plagued by the goodbyes I would have to make. Meeting your lips with mine in a short, gentle kiss, you told me once you were done packing up the few things you had, you would stop at the Forgotten City so I could say my farewells. I smiled at you, thankful for your thoughtfulness, and kissed you again, those odd, heated, cheery emotions within me stronger than they ever were. You finished your packing shortly, and then we got aboard your motorcycle, heading off to the place that I had called my home for almost a year. You stopped several feet away from it for safety, and let me get off. You told me to take as much time as I needed- I only nodded, before walking off to my odd, shell like house. A knot had formed in my stomach as I made my way inside and I considered running back to you several times- but I resisted it.

It was late, and they were asleep, which I was never the more thankful for…it would make this easier. I first crept into Yazoo's room, which while small was always kept neat. I quietly approached the bed and sat at the side of it lightly- I didn't want to wake him up. Nonetheless, he must have been quite tired as he didn't react at all to my presence, and from the serene look on his face, I could tell he was quite heavily asleep. My glove clad hand reached out to gently remove a few silver strands from his face, tucking it behind his ear. As I looked over him, past memories came over me, the happy ones, the ones where he would tease Loz, say something silly to cheer me up, comfort me when I was upset. It was only now, that I knew I was leaving him, that I realized how much he really contributed to us, how everything he did was always helpful and that despite Mother, without him I would truly be lost. I smiled a bit at this, a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless.

"I know it isn't like me to say…but you really have done a lot for me…I don't know what I'd do without you. You've always taken care of me…but now, I think I can handle myself…thanks to you. I know you'll be okay…you always were the mature one. Just watch over Loz for me okay?" I had whispered quietly, so quietly that if he were awake, he'd probably have to strain his eyes a bit to hear me.

I felt tears sting at my eyes as the soft words came out of my mouth, but I fought to control myself. Not here. With a sigh, I placed a light kiss on his exposed cheek before slowly getting off of the thin bed, and leaving the room, closing the door silently. I preceded to go into Loz's room, giving an equally silent farewell, thanking him for his optimism and his constant cheeriness that helped me get through every day. Once finished, I found a small piece of paper and a pen, thought for a moment, and then wrote:

_I am going to be away for awhile…I just need to be alone, and think over some things. Don't go looking for me- I'll be fine. I can't really explain what I'm feeling right now…but don't be worried. Don't worry about Mother, don't worry about our mission, it'll all work out one day. Just relax and take care of yourselves- I trust you can do it without me. Thanks for everything. _

_Kadaj. _

I lost count of how many times I read over this note, making sure it contained hints of everything I really wanted to say. Knowing Yazoo, he would figure it out…I hoped he would anyway. Placing the note on our kitchen table, I went into my room only to collect Souba- the sword, while only an object, had been with me through everything and I felt some odd attachment to it- before looking around my small home for the last time. Once I had reminisced enough about all the happenings here, I turned and left, not only leaving behind my brothers, but my past.

Once I took my place behind you once again, laying my head on your shoulder and holding you tightly, you went off to whatever location you had in mind. It was silent the whole way, and eventually, the wind whipping past us, sending my platinum locks about, and the warmth of your body seeping into mine, I fell asleep.

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...Wow! I just realized reading over it how awesome this is. XD MY HARD WORK WAS WORTH IT! I hope so anyway! Kadaj for me has ALWAYS been a challenge to write, but I think this is my best interpretation of him. I'm really rather pleased with this. Oh and there's something I must do:  
(takes angst, shoves it in a box, seals it tightly and kicks it far, FAAAAR away) TAKE THAT ANGST! SEE YOU AROUND!! : D  
...glad to be done with that. The NEXT chapter now is more happier, fluffier and...sexier. X3 You'll see. But in the meanwhile: **GO AND REVIEW THIS NAO. Reviewing makes you more beautiful. I promise!! XD **And I PROMISE there is only one more chapter, THAT'S IT!! XDD I must stop this madness!!


	4. Chapter 4

YES!! IT'S DONE!! (dance, party, confetti) Phew. I'm so happy! :D Well, here you go teh LAST CHAPTER of this story! I'm sorry to disappoint you guys who wanted me to write more, but I really needed to end this, I have another story to work on! But anyway, the only reason I got this far with this story is because of you BEAUTIFUL GORGEOUS people who have left me FANTASTIC reviews that literally made my days! :D I LOVE you guys, so much, and this chapter is TOTALLY for you, so I hope you enjoy it!

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"Kadaj…"

An incoherent, mumbling noise came from my throat and my head nuzzled itself into the side of your neck. A chuckle was heard from you, and you gently took my left hand that was resting on your thigh into your own, lacing our fingers.

"Kadaj…wake up…we're almost there. But we'll rest here for a day before we take the ferry tomorrow."

"F..ferry? What's that?" I managed to say sleepily, my eyes still closed.

"It's like a boat…"

"What's a boat?"

"It's…you'll see. It's a way of transport across water."

At this, I blinked slowly, raising my head.

"We're going across water?"

"We're in Junon. I'm taking you across to the other continent- to Costa Del Sol."

I blinked again, and looking around our surroundings, I realized we were indeed in Junon- I had been here only once before. I also realized it was quite early morning, as the sun was rising, the sky a beautiful shade of orange. The streets were empty and you had stopped right in front of a hotel. Although still tired, I felt somehow relieved and very calm, as though there were not a trouble in the world. It was quite the exhilarating feeling, but I was too sleepy to enjoy it.

"Okay…Niisan, I want to go to bed."

"I can tell. Come on, let's get a room and you can go back to sleep," you said gently, getting off your vehicle and helping me get down as well.

You left our few possessions with me, except the Souba which you had tucked into the many compartments of your motorcycle to prevent any suspicion. Once we had our room, I snuggled myself into one of the beds as you tucked your possessions away in various drawers. While I slept, you went out to buy things we would need. No dreams or nightmares disrupted my rest anymore. When I awoke, I saw you sorting out and packing away the things you had bought, except an outfit that you had left out for me to wear. Since my leather attire would make me stand out too much, it was a wise idea. You made me try on all the clothes you had bought me, to make sure they fit. I found it interesting doing such a thing, and surveyed over my new pieces of clothing as I put them on in the bathroom. It was odd at first, looking in the mirror and seeing myself wearing things other than my leather, but I figured it was something I would get used to. The only piece of clothing that confused me was what appeared to be cotton shorts with an elastic band at the top. They didn't look quite appropriate to wear exposed in public…so what were they for? When I came out of the bathroom with them on and a T shirt, you laughed before telling me they were boxers, which were meant to be worn under pants. Having never worn any type of underclothing before, this was entirely new to me, yet I couldn't help but blush at my nativity. To make me feel better, you suddenly grabbed me and tossed me lightly onto the bed, smothering my mouth with yours as you eagerly touched my newly exposed skin, your fingertips leaving light, invisible trails along my arms and my neck. When you were finished with my mouth, you picked up my left shin gently, placing a kiss on my knee. I giggled at the odd sensation that formed there and looked at you in amused question. You met my twinkling eyes and smiled, our lips meeting again shortly.

The next morning we left the hotel to get on the ferry, which made me a bit nervous as I noticed we would be surrounded by water. You assured me though that it was safe, and held my hand as we walked onto it. I clung to you tightly nonetheless, as the ferry would wobble a little bit every time someone got on. Once it actually started moving, I held you even closer, startled. You didn't seem to mind, holding me gently against you, and stroking my hair as a means of calming me down. As I looked over the sparkling blue ocean, clear, puffy cloud filled sky, and bright yellow sun, my nerves died down some as I enjoyed the scenery, although my grip on you was relentless. You tried talking to me to distract me, and it worked for awhile, until the ferry shook suddenly and I shrieked in fear, burying my head into your chest. Finally, after about hour, we reached Costa Del Sol, and I practically ran off of the ferry, making a mental note never to ride that thing again. I only waited for you to collect our bags and your motorcycle. Once you returned and everything was packed within the confides of your vehicle, we zoomed off through the tropical town, you obviously knowing where you were headed.

We arrived shortly at quite a beautiful hotel, where you said we would stay at until you could find somewhere we could live permanently. It was close to the beach, and I noticed it was also quite warm here. We settled into our cozy, clean hotel room, putting our clothing in the closet, placing other items in the drawers and in the bathroom. Once done, you took me out into the town for breakfast and we toured around a bit, the heat causing me to sweat and I became very thirsty. You bought me some water, and I used it for two purposes- to drink it, and to pour it over myself. You found this amusing, and overall, I enjoyed my first day here, although by early evening I made you bring me back to the hotel to shower, and to take a nap.

On the fifth night of our stay, I could have not felt happier. I was actually having fun for the first time in my life and had never felt at such peace. Although the sun had rendered my skin pink and sore, despite the fact that you said you had bought me the strongest sunscreen available, it was wonderful to actually see it. I wasn't quite used to the heat, but our room had what you called air conditioning, which I knew made it cool, so all was fine. In the past few days, I had experienced things I never had before.

Once I got used to the sand on the beach, you taught me how to make sand castles using these little buckets with imprints molded into them. I was disappointed when after turning the plastic container over, instead of a castle, there was only a pile of sand in front of me. A pout formed on my face and you laughed at this, telling me I had to use wet sand by the water, not the dry sand.

"_But I'm scared of the water, Niisan!" _

_"Okay, I'll go get you some then."_

You got me a whole bucket full of the harder, damp substance and I greeted you with a smile. Filling the bucket I had between my legs with the cold sand, I packed it in nicely with the little plastic shovel, waited a few moments, and then flipped it over, pleased to see my little sand castle formed once I pulled off the bucket. You smiled at it as well before you helped me make more little castles and when we were done, they all together made one large castle. I felt some odd sense of accomplishment, and you seemed equally pleased, although it seemed you were more cheerful over the fact that I was happy, rather than having built sand castles.

Also, we went out to eat for every meal, and I had eaten a lot of things I had never tried before. I grew to be fond of fruit, especially strawberries and raspberries, and also I had a liking for ice cream. Costa Del Sol had quite a few nice restaurants to dine at, and you always let me pick which one we should go to. The people here were pretty friendly and didn't seem to notice my apparent inhuman features too much. This was a bit of relief and for some silly reason, I felt safe here.

You had also made me overcome my hydrophobia and brought me into the ocean. I had clung to you as though for dear life the entire time as you dragged me in deeper, but like you promised, you never let go of me. You swirled me around and lifted me up when a wave would come and eventually I got accustomed to the raging water, enough to enjoy myself.

A smile came over my face as I remembered all the happy, enjoyable events we had, letting the cool water from the shower head fall over my sun-kissed skin. I washed it gently, as it was still a little sore, but the redness had died down considerably. My normally ivory skin was now tinted a couple shades darker, although the tops my cheeks, my nose, and the skin around my collarbones were still pink. Freckles also had started to appear randomly upon my body, most prominently on and around my cheek bones. I thought they were weird, but you said they made me look cute. You had freckles in the same place I did, so I didn't feel singled out. You also were equally burnt from the sun.

As I cleansed myself, I remembered the third day of my time here. I had spent it on the beach, out in the sun all day, and in my joyful state as we played around and made sand castles, I failed to notice the angry shade of crimson that had formed along my skin. By evening, I had become a bit tired and you brought me back to the hotel to nap while you went to run some errands. I awoke from my rest a couple hours later, pleased to see you were beside me, sleeping as well. I smiled down at you as I sat up slowly, my hand reaching out to stroke your fluffy golden locks- until I noticed the color of my arm. Eyes widening in shock, I looked at my other arm, finding it same color. Startled, I got off the bed and went to the mirror, gasping when I saw myself.

_"Niisan! Niisan wake up!"_

_"Wha-"_

_"Niisan, something's wrong with me-"_

_"Huh?"_

_"I'm red all over and my skin hurts…and my hair is white! It's like it's been bleached! And-"_

You were quiet a moment before laughing, and I glared at you, irritated.

_"Niisan, it's not funny!"_

_"Kadaj, it's just sunburn, that's all. If you haven't noticed, you're very pale, so the sun's rays affect you more. The sun is also strong enough here to fade your hair. Just go and take a shower with cool water, wash your skin gently and put conditioner in your hair so it doesn't dry out. Once you're clean and dry, just put on a lot of lotion. The pain will go away in a couple days." _

_"Oh…okay. Thanks…just don't touch me for awhile."_

A chuckle came from you, your sapphire eyes sparkling with amusement.

_"That'll be pretty hard to do, but I'll try."_

Our eyes met with smiles before you reached up and kissed me gently.

_"That doesn't hurt, does it?"_

_"No,"_ I replied with an amused smirk before leaning down to meet your lips with mine once again before I went off to the bathroom.

My lips pulled up happily at this memory, and it seemed almost unbelievable after all that had happened just a week ago that we could obtain such bliss. I had never seen you so cheerful, and at ease, you even had a sense of humor that I was growing fond of. Then again, the contentment and joy that had taken over me since we had come here I had never experienced either. So this was what life was supposed to be like…as I stepped out the shower, cool drops running down my soaked form, dripping onto the rug below me, I wondered where I would be right now if I had decided never to visit you. With a shiver, a cold feeling came over my heart as I figured I would probably be…_dead_.

But that didn't matter because I _wasn't_ dead, I was here, with you, in this beautiful town, in a place where I actually felt comfortable and loved, felt happy, and nothing could take that away from me. Nothing. It was more than I could ever ask for.

Reassured, I continued to gently dry myself, applying lotion everywhere I could reach- you always put it on my back for me. Slipping into a cotton, navy blue pair of boxers and a loose, white T-shirt which was to be my nightwear, I exited the bathroom and threw myself on our plushy bed, bouncing a bit on the fluffy mattress. The glare from the television gave the beige walls a bluish type glow, as the sky had fallen black outside, stars scattered upon it. We spent the previous night on the beach, admiring the natural beauty of the night sky, it's moon and stars being reflected by the ocean. I was enchanted by it, until I could feel your eyes on me. I met my glowing orbs with yours, and the moon reflecting off of you, your skin that creamy porcelain, your eyes as blue as the ocean with a little ring of mako green around your pupil, your spiky indifferent locks lightened to a pale blonde, it reminded me of the first night I saw you. You looked at me with the same reminiscing gaze, and suddenly the distance between us was gone as you claimed my lips, sneaking your tongue between them to explore my mouth for the umpteenth time. I succumbed to the warm feeling that had blossomed within me and to your talented mouth, which I was slowly attempting to explore with my own tongue, and fell lightly on the towel we had been sitting on, you easily slipping into place on top of me. As we become lost in our passionate kissing, I felt something I never had before…it was like a fiery, burning type feeling, forming most noticeably between my legs. It died down once we stopped and rested for awhile, but I was questionable as to what it was. It felt like love, but much more extreme…I didn't have the courage to ask you about it.

But even now, my back on the cotton, soft sheets, my dazed eyes looking up at the ceiling but not seeing it, as I was lost in this heated remembrance, it seemed to spark up again. A blush came over my cheeks as this realization, but the feeling disappeared again as you came through the door. The color in my face dropping, thankfully, I sat up and smiled at you, my expression returned.

"Tired, are we?"

"No…I was just waiting for you. What's that?"

I indicated the little brown bag you were holding.

"Oh! I got you a little treat," you explained with a smile, putting your hand in the bag to take out said treat as you approached me.

"Oh?" I questioned excitedly, moving over toward the side of the bed you were nearing.

Removing your hand from the interior of the bag, my eyes widened in pleasant surprise.

"Ice cream! _With_ strawberries!"

You chuckled at my gleeful exclamation as I took the foam cup from you, removing the plastic cover that was concealing the cold, sweet desert.

"It's a strawberry sundae. I thought you would like it," you said, smile still on your lips, as you kicked off your boots and joined me on the bed.

I heard you chuckle again as I found the plastic spoon within the bag, tossing it away and shoving the light utensil into the soft ice cream, picking up a large spoonful and shoving it in my mouth. Its cool vanilla goodness pleased me, and once I swallowed, I picked up a fresh strawberry with my spoon, devouring it just as well.

"It's good I suppose?" you asked, amusement in your voice as I was quiet for several moments, too involved in the wonderfully sweet treat in front of me.

"Yes…It's really good…thank you…"

"It's nothing."

I continued my eating until your hands slipping under my shirt startled me for a moment, until I realized you were just putting lotion on my back. I relaxed and returned to my previous actions, although I became oddly aware of your toughened palms and smooth fingers making circles on my lightly tanned skin as you spread the cool cream over it.

"By the way, how's your sunburn?"

"It's fine. It doesn't hurt anymore."

"Good."

Silence fell between us as your hands returned to their continuous circles, and my mouth returned to savoring my ice cream, the dull sound from the television only breaking the silence lightly.

"Niisan, do you want any?"

"That's okay, Kadaj. You enjoy it."

I followed your words, though I noticed one of your hands was still on my backside, although the lotion had already been spread thoroughly. Instead of making circles, it was just simply traveling along my cool skin, tracing invisible patterns. I didn't know what to make of it, so I tried to focus on my desert, but for whatever reason it seemed hard to do. My attention was only on your hand, and it soothed me until you started to feel along my spine. An odd sensation came over me and I shivered as those cold fingertips traveled along my backbone in a straight, determined path. A gasp escaped my lips as they found the sensitive skin of my lower back, stopping right above the waistband of my boxers. Taking a different turn, they trailed around my waist until they reached my navel. I was almost disappointed when they stopped, my ice cream forgotten in my right hand.

You wrapped your arms around my small waist and pulled me backward onto your lap, and I smiled, although not quite sure why. I always liked being close to you…this was no different. Yet there was something out of the ordinary lingering in the air, but I couldn't place what it was.

Your head looked over my shoulder, down at the almost devoured treat. Finding control of my arms again, I picked up a spoonful of the lightly melted cream and brought it to your mouth. You looked at it for a second and then looked at me. I smiled at you and fed you the ice cream, which you gladly accepted.

"I asked you if you wanted some before…I've eaten all the strawberries by now," I said in a softer, lightly amused tone. You chuckled, something I couldn't identify shining in your mysterious orbs.

"That's okay…I'll still get to taste them," you mentioned, and I noticed there seemed to be something suggestive in your voice. You simply took the cup and spoon out of my hands and placed me back on the bed gently before putting said items on the bedside table. Eyeing the remote, I clicked the TV off, and just as I was about to place it on the other bedside table nearest me, a warm mouth suddenly descended at the back of my neck. A tingly, warm sensation sprouted from that unknowingly sensitive spot and a soft, surprised moan came from my throat, the remote dropping to the floor, forgotten.

"Niisan…" my voice managed softly, surprise and confusion laced with it, the heat in my face rising.

There were no other words I could say before you took me by my waist and tossed me on the pillows, covering my mouth with your own. The fiery emotion returned to me as your slick muscle ran along my palette, before my tongue was brought into your mouth as you sucked on it lightly. A smothered moan sounded from my throat, and although we had done something similar to this before, it was also entirely different for reasons I couldn't explain. My arms wound themselves tight around your neck, my tongue moving in sync with yours, the sweet flavor of vanilla still lingering in your mouth. This seemed to fuel the fire that was forming within me, as our kissing became more intense, tongues becoming part of a battle of dominance. My mind was losing grip on reality as I lost awareness of our surroundings, only noticing your gentle fingers moving slowly upward along the tender skin of my softly built chest. Curious fingertips found a nipple and pressed against it, causing me to break away from your sweet mouth to gasp again, surprised at the sensitivity. Your fingers moved again in those insane circles over it and I moaned, helpless to the questioning feeling that was slowly driving me into madness.

Grabbing my thin shirt, which was now only reduced to a nuisance, you pulled it over my head in one swift movement, the coolness in the air soothing to me, as I became aware I was quite warm. My hands found the ends of the material concealing your chest, tugging it off, not with such grace as you did but at least the suddenly scorned material was off. My inquisitive eyes wandered over your fit, smooth chest that too had tanned slightly, and my eyes suddenly noticed something dark on your left arm. Pulling on your wrist to see it better, I gasped lightly as I realized with hurt shock that it was geostingma. I stared at it, sadness taking over my expression...you were going to die...why didn't you tell me? My saddened, questioning eyes met yours, which held a bit of shame from not telling me this fatal fact. Almost instantly though, a variety of emotions appeared in your glowing cerulean jewels and I could not figure them out.

I would not have the time to figure them out anyway as your lips swooped down over mine again, but not as harsh as before. Your lips just simply pressed against mine, slowly but firmly, gently moving along my mouth, almost in the same way you had done the first time you kissed me. I smiled against your mouth for a moment as this thought occurred to me before I returned your sweet, light kisses with ease, as this time I actually knew what I was doing. After a few moments though, your lips broke away to instead explore my throat, suckling and nibbling their way down until they reached my chest. My eyes were shut in pleasure, every spot your mouth touched left with that same tingly sensation, and my mind refused to focus on nothing else. A low, murmuring sound of contentment made itself heard of its own accord as those talented lips moved along my right collarbone, wondering tongue occasionally reaching out to taste my heated skin. As I focused on your mouth tracing my other collarbone, I could nearly feel the blood rushing through me, particularly to something between my thighs and I felt almost dizzy. As you placed hot kisses along my chest, your hands wandered down to my hips, pulling at the cotton material concealing the lower half of me. My hands, which were left nearly unnoticed at my sides, gripped the sheets as I slowly moved upward, aiding you in your task to remove my boxers. Your mouth broke away from my abdomen in the process, but finally after a few moments, the useless piece of clothing was slipped off and thrown aside.

Noticing that I was completely bare in front of you now, embarrassment and shame swept over me, painting my cheeks red. I watched your eyes as they trailed over me, and was relieved to see acceptance in them. Our eyes met- and so did our mouths. As you lay yourself over me, I felt something poke me, and blushed a bit when I realized what it was. Even so, my lips moved up in a smirk against yours, and I pushed my hands against your chest, signaling that I wanted you to lift up. You did so, looking at me questionably until my hands found the button of your pants, undoing it, as well as your zipper. Realizing what I wanted, you smiled lightly before removing your pants, as well as your boxers yourself, also tossing them aside. As I gazed at your naked form, that fiery emotion flared, consuming me as I was suddenly overtaken by demanding want.

Our mouths met again almost viciously, lost in the need to want more of whatever this was. Suddenly warm fingers contacted themselves with the now damp skin of my lower abdomen, traveling downwards steadily until they found that sensitive part of me. My entire sense of self was thrown back into far corners of my mind as my head was tossed back, my eyes rolled, my back arched, and a near scream was ripped from my throat. The heat within my body intensified, beads of sweat falling into my damp hair, my heart was pounding in my ribcage, and I felt as though I had gone insane. You continued touching me there, stroking my swollen organ, my breath coming out in short gasps, the silence in our room broken by my loud moans. You suddenly took your hand away and I made a noise of protest, until you laid down over me. Your equally bare, hot, smooth body over mine caused another soft gasp to escape my lips, which was soon replaced with a sudden cry as you moved your hips into mine, causing our members to rub together. A low moan sounded from you, growing increasing louder as our hips ground into each other, my pleasure-induced cries eventually drowning out your sounds.

You stopped suddenly, and moved off of me, reaching for the lotion at the bed side table. Panting, the sheet under me wet with perspiration, my eyes half-lidded, I watched you curiously as you spread the cream over your erection, and then over two of your fingers on your right hand. I was puzzled, but there was no time to think as your lips met with mine, tongues slipping in, an action as old as time. Your hand fell upon my thigh, slipping onto the heated, sensitive skin of its interior, my leg pulling up as a reaction to give you more room to explore. Your lips pulled away from mine to suck on my neck, my eye lids shutting again in heated bliss- until I felt your fingers push themselves inside me. My eyes widened a bit, not only due to the brief pain, but it was an odd feeling. You were gentle, and as you prepared me, I suddenly figured out what was meant to replace your fingers. I suddenly became anxious, but it dissolved a moment later when your wandering fingers pressed against something tender and extremely sensitive inside of me.

My back arched again, my wide eyes shutting as I screamed at the electrifying sensation that shot through me as you touched that spot. My once stiff frame seemingly melted into the sheets. Your fingers suddenly pulled out and I felt oddly empty, until you spread apart my thighs and placed your member at my entrance. I looked up at you, a question of certainty floating in your bright orbs. I smiled, and brought myself up on my elbows to kiss you softly, silently answering your question.

With that, you waited until I laid back down, and pressed a kiss to my sweaty forehead before you shoved your entire length inside me, a scream emitting from my throat as you groaned. Your mouth came over mine again, your hand reaching down to stroke my leaking erection, in an attempt to distract me from the pain. It worked quite well, and after a few minutes I felt adjusted, you being reassured by my relaxed body. You started that motion with your hips again, slowly for my sake, my legs wrapping themselves around your waist as my breath started to pick up again, soft moans emitting from my throat. They became louder again, mixed with yours as you moved faster, the pain diminishing with each thrust until all I could feel was pleasure. One hand gripped the sheets, the other entangled within your own, my lungs struggling to provide me with enough oxygen, my mind nearly completely lost. I cried out loudly in ecstasy as you hit that tender spot inside me again, and you shifted yourself a bit, making it so that you hit that sensitive organ more often. I suddenly forgot everything- where we were, who I was, what I had done- all I maintained focus on was the bittersweet bliss you crashed me into each moment, the screams of pleasure that I noticed were my own, your resounding moans in sync with them. I never felt so lost, so loved and so _good_ as I did right now.

I suddenly became aware of my need for release of this intense feeling, my legs tightening around you, your speed picking up, losing control as you pounded into me. That spot was hit again, and it seemed as though a shock of electricity went through me, though it was not painful…it was _wonderful_. The fiery feeling finally released itself, my back arched for the last time as I screamed your name in pleasure, though I did not call you Niisan- I called you _Cloud_.

As I collapsed onto the sheets below me, feeling more exhausted than I could explain, my body soaked, attempting to catch my breath, this small realization occurred to me as my surroundings settled back in. I had never considered calling you Cloud…it even sounded a bit odd in my mind. I don't know what suddenly caused me to address you by your true name, as I never really knew what it was until I had heard it a couple times in his memories…but as my mind returned to me as my once erratic heart beat settled into its normal rhythm, it dawned on me that you being my brother was probably another one of her lies that I believed. Niisan was the traitor who supposedly wanted me dead…but _Cloud_ was the kind, beautiful man that I had fallen in love with. Niisan did not exist; but Cloud did. A soft smile came upon my swollen lips as I made this conclusion.

My still half-lidded eyes watched you lick away the white creamy substance I had expelled, which you had gathered into your left hand. I watched you curiously as you did so, and noticed your fingers untangled themselves from mine as you pulled out of me. I felt that strange emptiness again, but it dissolved as you settled next to me, pulling the clean, thinner blankets under the now tainted cover sheet over us. You returned to your hobby of playing with my wet silver strands, a pleased smile on your lips.

"You said my name," you pointed out softly, obviously very happy with this fact. "I was wondering when you finally would…"

I chuckled, returning your smile.

"Cloud…" I said gently, wanting to get used to the feel of it rolling off of my tongue.

"Yes?"

I rolled myself so I was on top of you, platinum strands tickling your cheeks, our noses touching, my arms over your shoulders, my legs tangled with yours. Your hand stayed embedded in my hair, the other running over the soft skin of my bottom before settling at my waist.

"I love you," I whispered over your lips, meaningfully.

Your smile grew a bit wider, your eyes glittering with affection. Your fingers slipped down to stroke my cheek, ever so softly.

"I love you too."

I leaned down to kiss you softly, before placing my head right beneath your shoulder, my hand at your waist, my eyes closing as the heaviness of sleep came over me.

"By the way...you were right. The strawberries did taste good."

I was puzzled for a moment before I understood your statement, and my eyes closed, a smile forming across my lips before I fell asleep.

I woke up from a very peaceful sleep, feeling somehow rejuvenated. I also noticed I was no longer lying on top of you- my back was against the sheets, my head turned to the right, my arm lazily out at my side, in the space you were supposed to be. Obviously you had gotten up before me. The top cover blanket was also gone, and I shivered a bit in our cool room, the thin sheet over me not providing much warmth. Sighing, I went to sit up- but my lower regions protested quite profoundly. I hissed in pain, and fell back onto the pillow. Well…_this_ was going to be difficult.

I waited a few moments, my expression a pout due to the pain, and tried again, successful, although it still hurt. I had figured I would be sore, but not to the point where I had trouble sitting up. I went to get off of the bed, only to see you come through our hotel door, holding our cover sheet in your arms.

"Good morning," you said cheerfully, placing the blanket at the corner of the bed, before greeting me with a kiss. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah…I'm a bit sore, but I'll be okay."

"Just take a hot bath. It'll help," you explained with a smile. You seemed to be suddenly radiating happiness in a way I had never seen before…it was as though something heavy had been lifted off your shoulders.

"Okay…and what did you do with the cover sheet?"

"Oh…I had to wash it."

Your cheeks pinked a bit, but by your smirk I understood why you washed the blanket and giggled.

After making it to the bathroom in one piece, I took the hot bath you suggested, which worked wonders. As I dried myself, I noticed looking in the mirror there were red marks along my neck, a few also scattered across my chest. I assumed they had formed from your kisses and smiled a bit to myself, as it was as though you had marked me to prove I was yours. Once I was dressed, you picking out a light, white formal shirt with a collar for me to wear to hide the marks, we went out for breakfast as our usual routine. Something seemed to have changed between us after last night, but whatever had changed was for the better, as we both felt more carefree and more cheerful than we ever had in our lives. It seemed almost too good to be true, as the rest of the week wore on- I felt I didn't have a care in the world.

How little I knew.

Mother seemed to have lost control over me- but _he_ didn't. She meant it when she said he had a strong will- a _very _strong will. Strong enough, that one night, I suddenly woke up, not knowing why- and my sense of mind was suddenly pushed aside, as he took over it.

'_You thought this was over didn't you, little puppet?'_

My eyes widened while I still had control over them, and that helpless terror that had consumed me when Mother had punished me came back with a vengeance as I heard his cold, cruel voice and at my fear, he laughed, a merciless, terrifying laugh that shook me more than I could explain.

Not of my will, I got up silently, found the leather outfit in the closet, slipped it on, grabbed Souba, and left the hotel. I took the ferry back to the east continent, and at inhuman speed, ran to my base. It was as though I were dreaming- I saw everything before me, but I could do nothing to change it. I was locked in my own body as I watched everything he planned to do- we went back to find Rufus, brought him to the top of a building, summoned Bahamut to attack the city, watched the former President reveal himself and also what I had thought I always wanted. For a moment, I took control over my mind again, as when I cried out '_Mother!_' I heard myself say it, pure shock having come over me. I shrunk back again to his will as I felt fury boil in my veils and shot a blast of materia at Rufus, which missed as he threw himself off the edge, me following shortly. It seemed like a blur, just like in my dreams- catching Mother and speeding away from you- pulling out my Souba to defend myself as you flew toward me, having gotten the boost from the huge explosion- us falling into the ruins, failing to pierce each other- me speeding off once again into the church, stopping in the patch of flowers that we once laid in together. I paused as I realized his influence was gone for the moment. Looking down at the black box, I couldn't help but smile. Even though I knew Mother wasn't real, I hadn't let go of her just yet. As I picked up the box however, I noticed there was a gash in it- wide enough so I could see inside. I looked curiously, anxiously, even almost eagerly looked into its interiors- and I regretted it.

My eyes widened considerably as I realized you were right- she was a _monster_. Her green, decayed head was what was inside the box and I was not only astonished, but I felt somehow hurt…betrayed. _This_ head was what I had placed trust in…what I had though would be my answer to everything…what I had nearly worshipped. I had always imagined she was a normal, full-bodied person- but _this_? Out of painful disbelief, tears made their way down my cheeks, my body rocking back and forth as I cried out her false name, as though that would somehow change who she really was. The bitter discovery seemed to pierce my heart, truly shattering everything I ever believed in, even more than that night you told me she wasn't my mother. Because the truth was right in my hands, _right_ in front of my eyes and I could not deny it. I screamed in anguish, feeling as though some part of me had died.

I heard your motorcycle approaching the church, and as expected, he took control of my mind, as if I had been myself I would have thrown the box away out of sheer disgust and ran into your arms. Once again, time speeded by incoherently as I tried to destroy you with my materia twice, become irritated by the water that had suddenly sprouted over me, drove off again, and waited for you at the top of a ruin. He kept a firm grip on me the entire time, as he knew if he didn't my trace of mind would burst out and I would go straight toward you, ruining his plans. As I fought against you, I was worried as I watched through the interior of my mind- I didn't want to hurt you…and I wouldn't forgive myself if I killed you.

Then, suddenly, I was flying through the air from your hit, and only hung off the edge of a ruin by my fingertips, which would be impossible to do if I were a normal human. I watched my sword fall away in the distance, his annoyance growing as he watched it as well. I heard the sound of your feet coming in contact with the bottom of the withered ruin, and my head turned up immediately. You were looking at me, that sadness again in your eyes, even a bit of that pity- but there was no time for me to think, as I involuntarily threw up the box, you slicing it, attempting to destroy what was inside. Your attempt failed though, as I jumped up and caught the lower half of the box, taking out the piece of her head that was left within in and cradling it with my hands, his pleased, triumph face showing on my own. As you watched me fall in horror, that smirk formed again on my face- "My Reunion…bet you're _dying_ to watch…"

You jumped after me, but I didn't see anymore of you as his attention was only on the remains of Jenova, and I shoved them into my body, screaming in pain as I felt them multiply rapidly inside me, transforming every cell of my being, _mutating_ me. My feet fell lightly on the ruin beneath me, and I felt paralyzed for a moment before I heard his chilling, painful words.

'_Goodbye, Kadaj.'_

And then…I was gone. Completely failed to exist at all…I couldn't even think. I was nothing…I was _dead_.

I could not record time in my absence- but sometime later, I felt the same way I did when I first came into existence- I was first a floating mind, then became aware of my body, felt blood rush through me- then my knees came into contact with the harsh cement as I fell, and I hissed as pain throbbed within every inch of me, my eyes shutting tight. I became aware of Souba being held in my left hand, and panted a bit as I tried to steady myself- I could feel his presence leaving me, but it was not gone just yet. Bitter with defeat once again, he used my face for the umpteenth time to glare at you, my weak body attempting to pick itself up as I went to slice you- but he finally left me, and my body gave out, falling pitifully toward the ground- but you caught me. I was in such pain it hurt to breathe, and as my lungs struggled to keep up with my demand for oxygen, I looked up at you, trying to say everything that I felt using my eyes, as I seemed too weak to talk. Your eyes were only worried, filled with sorrow still at what had become of me. The rain fell onto us, burning the skin on my face where it touched, but I could not react to it. I felt like I was dying…the energy I normally contained was running out quickly. My eyelids became heavy, and I felt your other arm come under my legs as you lifted me up in your arms. My head turned into your shoulder, my eyes closing, and I could only whisper that I loved you before I succumbed to the throbbing discomfort in my body.

Time escaped me again, and when I opened my eyes, all I first saw was white- was this the Lifestream? Had I died? Blinking a few more times, I realized the white I had seen was just the sunlight reflecting off of the walls of a bedroom. I turned my head, eyes peering around my foreign environment. Glancing out the window, I saw a distant building and knew I was still in Edge. I was naked under the light blue, linen sheets, and while still sore, the pain I had felt had died down considerably. I was going to get up to find you until the door of the room opened- I had never been so happy, so relieved to see your spiky, chocobo like head come out from behind it. Relief came over your face as you saw me awake, and you came to my side immediately, helping me sit up. There was silence as we looked at each other for the moment, dozens of emotions dancing around in our eyes.

"How…how long have I been out?"

"Almost a week…I was getting worried," you answered quietly, said emotion tracing your words. "How do you feel?"

"I'm still a bit sore but besides that I'm fine," I assured with a light smile.

"How's your head?"

I was puzzled at the question for a moment, until I realized for the first time…there was no influence in my mind. Nothing at all…even in those cheerful moments on the beach, there was always the feeling that _something_ was in my head, waiting for when I was vulnerable to take over. But there was nothing there now…she was gone, her strings on me cut permanently…and _he_ was gone. My eyes widened as I discovered I felt…I felt _free_.

"It's…_empty_," I said, not knowing how else to explain the clarity that had come over my mind.

You chuckled and smiled at me, me returning the expression, that lovely feeling blooming within me again as I realized _you_ were the reason they were gone…that I was officially safe from them now.

"That's good," you said happily, lacing your fingers within my hair, shaking my head a bit. I couldn't help but giggle at this.

"Cloud…did he hurt you?" I asked, concern in my own voice.

You frowned a bit, thoughtful.

"Not really…nothing serious. I'm perfectly fine."

"What about the geostingma?"

"It's gone."

I blinked at this, but you showed me the arm where it had marked itself upon your skin- and I noticed with pleasant surprise the skin was clear and smooth as it should be. I even reached out to touch your arm, as though to make sure.

"But how-"

"You remember the rain, at the church?"

I nodded.

"It cured it. That rain was from the Lifestream…and Aerith used it to cure everyone."

"How do you know it was her?"

"She's the only one that could do it, being an Ancient…I know she did. She stopped by for a moment…"

You told me about the occasion at the church, how Aerith and Zack visited you from the Lifestream for a moment, how she told you everything would be alright. I smiled at this, happy you got to see them again, even if it was brief…I knew it was something you always wanted.

"…and she was right. Everything is alright," you concluded, smiling at me.

I returned the expression and leaned forward to embrace you, holding you close, the fact that we were both still alive and safe now still unbelievable to me. It was so wonderful to feel you hold me, something I thought I would never experience again.

"Cloud…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" I apologized softly, emotions threatening to take over me as guilty tears burned in my eyes. "For everything I ever did that was wrong…you could have died…"

"You don't have to be sorry…none of it was your fault. You were just as much as a victim as I was."

I pulled away a bit, tear glazed, surprised eyes surveying you.

"You don't have to worry about anything anymore…they're gone," you said gently, your eyes soft with sympathy. "I promise they will never interfere with you again."

I stared at you for a moment, reading the certainty in your eyes, and I embraced you again, tighter, burying my face in your shoulder for a moment, reveling in your everlasting, sweet scent. Now that I was paying attention to it, I found you smelled like vanilla. Smiling at the memory this brought on, I sighed as I leaned my head on your shoulder.

"Thank you…thank you for everything…you saved me…"

"You saved me too."

Surprised yet again by your words, I pulled away a bit to look at you, but you were only smiling as I suspected you would be. I didn't quite understand what you meant- but my thoughts dissolved as I became lost in your kiss, letting myself become consumed by the pleasant, warm feelings within me as your tongue tasted me. Mimicking the action you had done a couple weeks ago, I held your slick muscle in my mouth, sucking on it softly, finding you still tasted like vanilla. I would forever now have a fetish for the cremy, sweet flavor. A soft moan came from your throat, and I smirked against your mouth before you broke away, suddenly realizing I was back against the sheets and you were on top of me. Funny how this always happened between us.

You smiled down at me, your face not very far from my own. A thought suddenly occurred to me, worry forming in my eyes.

"Cloud- where are my brothers?"

You frowned again, and I already knew the answer before you said it.

"They didn't make it…with the rain…"

Silence formed between us again, and I found I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be. I was able to tell them goodbye…and to thank them…even if maybe they couldn't remember it, it still happened. I even felt a bit of relief that they were in the Lifestream- they would be safe there. This world wasn't meant for them…for us…but I was only allowed to stay because of you. You were the reason I had to live…they didn't have a reason. It was better this way, and a small smile came upon my lips.

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright…it's better where they are. They're safe there…they'll be okay," I said, believing it more as I said it aloud.

You looked as satisfied by these words as I did and my left hand reached up to stroke your golden locks, finding them to be soft and fluffy. I entertained myself by doing this for a few moments, a peaceful smile on my face.

"I love you…Cloud," I said with gentle certainty, that warmth flaring up just a bit.

For the first time that I noticed, you grinned softly, just for a second, your teeth a flash of white before being hidden by pink lips.

"I love you too, Kadaj."

My smile lifted up the highest it could go before you leaned down to have our lips meet again gently, simply pushing against each other, making soft smacking noises as they pulled apart. Our kissing paused as we looked intently at each other, my thoughts gone momentarily as I was lost in the deep blue, endless sea of your eyes. There was no longer sadness, sorrow, helplessness, worthlessness, guilt, pain or grief within them; they held contentment, happiness, relief, peacefulness, bliss and most of all, love. I hoped mine shone the same emotions.

"She is right…"

"Hmm?" Your eyes narrowed slightly in question.

"Everything is alright now," I said with a soft grin, bringing a smile back on your face. You shifted a bit downwards as you lay your blonde head on my bare chest, your hand moving at my waist which was still covered by the sheet. My fingers entangled themselves in your odd hair and I smiled, noticing we had switched positions.

It was only now though, lying here in blissful silence that I realized something.

Through it all, the ultimate answer to all my questions that I had asked you night after night, actually turned out to be quite simple.

The only answer…my only solution to every problem I ever had…was you.

* * *

AND THEN THEY'LL EVANTUALLY GET MARRIED AND LIVE HAPPILY EVA AFTER. THEE END. XD  
Oh, and a sudden newsflash: I WROTE SEX!! FOR THE FIRST TIME!! EVER!! I had ATTEMPTED to write it multiple times and epic failed, so I feel somehow accomplished at finally typing it out...PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW IT IS!! DX Although, I'm rather pleased with it, or else I wouldn't put it up here for you all to see! That's also why the rating for the story changed from T to M. X3  
I also realized I COMPLETELY changed the way I will look at Advent Children now. Won't it be great to watch it now knowing Kadaj was thinking about Cloud the whole time and that Cloud totally wants his babies? LOL. They'd have beautiful children, ne?  
Also random tidbits:  
1) Kadaj making sand castles was based on this adorable picture I saw on deviantArt. I had to add something ridicuously cute in this angst fest! XDD  
2) Mmm, vanilla tasting Cloud and strawberry tasting Kadaj. Yummy. X3 I will never look at strawberry sundaes the same way again. XDD Oh well, its better than having a fetish for cheddar cheese yeah? (Has read two stories where Kadaj had said fetish.)  
3) I was orginally going to have them feed each other strawberries, but I just wanted to get the sex over with. XD I might make it a one shot one day. :3  
Anyway, once again, thank you ALLLL for the TRUCKLOAD of support it really means oodles to me to get up to read yr awesome reviews when I wake up in the early afternoon, lol. I LOVE YOU GUYS INSANELY, you keep me writing!!  
**NOW GO REVIEW DAMMIT. YOU'LL GET UP THE NEXT MORNING 5x SEXIER AND WON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHY. xD BUT THE POINT IS, JUST REVIEW!! Or I will send Kadaj after you. You don't want him when he's angry...or sex-deprived. Very scary thing I tell ya. XDD**


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